WHAT PHINEY & CORALIE SAID

A few favourites that we've been gathering over the last few months...

Josephine: 'Coralie's a naughty poo head!'
Daddy: 'That's not very nice, Phiney.'
Josephine: 'Fine! She's a very...naughty...bunch of flowers."

Mama: 'What colour's this Coralie?'
Coralie: 'Yellow!' (it's blue)
Mama: 'What colour's this Coralie?'
Coralie: 'Yellow!' (it's red)
Mama: 'What colour's this Coralie?'
Coralie after lots of thought: 'Green?' (it's yellow)

Josephine: 'I'm so combumulated!'
Mama: 'Do you mean frustrated?'
Josephine: 'No! I mean combumulated!'

Coralie: 'Mama, where my (Playmobil) girl?'
Mama: 'Which one, Coralie? What does she look like?'
Coralie: 'A boy.'

Josephine: 'What does it say on the weather cast?'

Coralie: 'There a Mini, Mama!' (whenever she sees one, and there's a lot in Bath.)

Josephine: 'It's my gradulation today!' (pre-school graduation!)

Coralie walks in wearing a witches hat: 'Look Mama, I'm a pirate.'

Josephine: 'Mama, how do seagulls make friends?'

Josephine does a loud trump: 'It wasn't me, it was Coralie...she's in my bottom and trumped!'

Coralie: 'What that smell?' (all the time!)

Josephine: 'Babies seem so lazy to me. They never walk or do anything.'

Daddy: 'So what's the biggest difference now you're four, Phiney?'
Josephine after a lot of thought: 'That I'm not three anymore.'

Josephine: 'Mama, I want 16 Playmobil things from Father Christmas!'
Mama: 'Wow, that's a lot! Coralie, what would you like from Father Christmas?'
Coralie after a long pause: 'A chocolate bar!'

Josephine: 'Mama, I love you on Thursdays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.'
Mama: 'What about on the other days?'
Josephine: 'Yeah, I love you then too.'

Josephine: 'Coralie, do you have a spoon? Oh blastin' 'ells you haven't. I'll go get one.'
Coralie: 'Kay.'

Josephine: 'I'll get the secret Mama.' (the receipt!)

Coralie: 'Nee-nee went to cinnamon.' (the cinema)

Josephine: 'Mama, it was the most massivist poo of my whole wide life!'

Coralie, in the middle of the quiet playground as all the parents waiting for the children to come out of school: 'Mama, that bird talking to me.'
Mama: 'Is it? What's it saying?'
Coralie: 'Me a poo poo head!'
Every parent bursts out laughing!

Josephine: 'Oh, it was years ago. When I was three.'

SISTERS

WEARING: [Josephine] Next dress and cardigan // La Coqueta tights // Clarks boots [Coralie] Dress found at T K Maxx // H&M cardigan // Coco & Wolf bloomers // La Coqueta tights // Clarks boots

The friendship between our girls has really developed over the last couple of months, and it makes my Mama heart so happy to see them laughing and chatting, and genuinely enjoying each other's company.

I think with Coralie changing so much since Christmas - she can talk so well now, and make herself understood much more - things are much easier for both Josephine and Coralie. There seems less frustration and arguments, and much more getting along and playing games together. It's so lovely to see.

Of course there is still friction - Coralie isn't the most delicate person, and train tracks and Playmobil scenes can get quite easily destroyed - but Phiney is appreciating that it isn't Coralie being naughty and just that she isn't quite as co-ordinated, or doesn't quite understand the game yet. For someone who is normally rather lacking in patience (just like me!) Josephine often blows me away by how calm she can remain when it comes to dealing with her little sister. Not always of course, but mostly :)

I'm so proud of these girls. So proud to be their Mama.

Also, I love the series of portraits of them outside our front door that's growing.

TWO YEARS

It's hard to believe that another year has passed. Another year without you making me laugh, showing me the way, holding my hand and smiling back at me. I don't understand how it's been two years since we spoke. Since I saw you. Since our lives smashed into a million pieces. Since a new chapter began.
 
This year, I've come to release that the thing about grief - essentially, the biggest thing - is the absolute lack of control. I never know which way it will throw me. As time moves on, and another year without my Dad here comes to a close, the healing continues. The grief, for me, never fades - it burns as bright today as it did that first day - but I'm learning how to live with it. How to be warmed by that flame, draw strength from it and use it's passion and fire to drive my life along; achieve what I want to achieve, be who I want to be. The lessons grief has, and will, teach me are invaluable. They've come at the greatest cost, but they're here whether I like it or not, and it would be foolish not to listen to them and try to follow them. As the waves of heartbreak smash on me, I give in and let go and it helps me to heal and as the calmer waters of understanding take me to new places, I grow and relax and can breath again. Sometimes I feel like I am only just holding on by the tips of my fingers, so nearly out of control, and sometimes, from somewhere, I can use it and feel powerful and unstoppable; that I can take on the world, because I'm surviving the worst it has to throw at me.

With everyday comes a new challenge. A new question, a photograph, a forgotten memory, the first few bars of a song. And with every challenge I'm learning to let my heart guide me. I don't think I will ever know what will upset me or what will make me smile when it comes to my Dad, but I'm learning that I can't control it and realising that this year has simultaneously given me some control back. I no longer feel like I'm spiralling, even in those darkest moments. I'm riding those waves now, not fighting against them; I'm willing to let them take me wherever I need them to.

Everyday I feel you're with me, my Papa. In some way or another. And as the new year begins I'm more sure of it than ever. But I miss you, more every day and with every minute. I love you, forever and always.

^^^

Over the last few weeks, as we've followed a slow and gentle pace of life round these parts, I've felt the haze of the last year really start to lift. I've written before of how last year was a period of quiet and healing and I feel as though, as March begins and spring is creeping in, I'm finding my rhythm again. Little things like doing the housework (which, lets face it, is always the first thing to get ignored!) are finally getting done and the more I clean and tidy the more I want to go that one step further and really sort out this little house of ours.

Three days after I had Coralie I turned 30, and in the midst of grief and late pregnancy, birth and those newborn days, the rite of passage that often comes with this 'milestone' got overlooked, lost in the craziness. I'm not really talking about the age thing, as such, more of the realisation of hitting that period in your life where you're meant to understand yourself more; what you like and dislike, your tastes, your style, what you really want from your time here.

I am so thankful, and so blessed, to turn thirty married to my boy and with two beautiful, healthy children. To live in a sweet little flat in a sweet part of town. To be able to stay at home with our babies, as I always wanted, to have good food on the table and warm (pretty!) clothes on our backs. And, to be at the beginning of what I hope will be a successful future in photography and my own business.

At the top of my to-do list for weeks now has been contacting some local magazines with the hope of getting my business promoted - getting my name out there. But, something's holding me back. I've sat at the laptop at naptime or in the evening and found myself blogging (or getting lost in Pinterest) rather than type that simple email.

I've never really dealt with a lack of self-confidence. I've always been sure of what I wanted, pretty much always gone and got it, and had the guts to put myself out there - perhaps it's a being the eldest thing. But with this new venture I'm still wondering if I'm good enough, and it's stopping me in my tracks. The feedback I've been getting from families and from all of you has been so encouraging and amazing, but still I doubt myself. And it's got me thinking about influences in my life and the effect they're having.

And by influences I mean the world of all things online. Things that were once inspiring have started stunting my own imagination and confidence, I think. I often spend my time online envying so many things; people's houses or belongings, clothes, figures, lifestyles, talents. Wishing I had more money to spend on this and that. Wishing I could redecorate our own home in this style, then the next day in that style. It's information overload in my head right now and I am taking a stand to simplify.

My friend Lou has made the word Bloom her motivation for this year, and I think she's chosen so well. What a positive, beautiful, encouraging idea, and I've been thinking a lot about it recently. I want to bloom this year, to find my feet and find the confidence again to be more myself. I think that can sometimes get lost in the midst of all things Mamahood.

I'm going to write more about this (I've loved posting something beyond what we've been up to - I've missed finding the time to sit, think and write about the bigger picture) more, about how I'm going to apply it to all aspects of my life. Starting with a social media cull, I've stopped following shops on IG. Sure their beautiful pieces are lovely to look at, but ultimately I end up feeling down about the fact I can't afford those things. It's the same with lifestyle feeds and following so many Pinterest boards. I'm sticking with the couple I love and deleting the rest. It's just not something I need in my life right now.

I feel like I've got the time now to think about what I like and want, and with everything that's happened in the last 14 months I know that's not about possessions and money; it's about life and seizing it for myself and my family. About appreciating what I have now, not feeling sad about what I don't and can't have.

This week I'm going to write those emails, and I hope I find the confidence to press send and put myself out there. I'll keep you informed...

[Photo by the wonderful Tori Hancock. Oh, I can't wait for summertime and sandals and floral skirts...]

THE HOMEMAKER SERIES: SPACES

Over the last couple of years, Josephine's room has grown as she has. And, when after Christmas, she moved into her 'big girl's bed', her room changed again. Not only did the cot get taken down and replaced with a secondhand steal of a bed (thanks eBay!) but we moved the sofa into the kitchen and created a huge play area for her. With a new baby on it's way we wanted to ensure a space downstairs where we could hang out more - Josephine in her room and me in the kitchen - so it made sense to create a second living space in the kitchen (more of which to come soon) and a bedroom with a playroom feel for Phiney. That way I can get on with doing the housework or feeding Coralie, without leaving Josephine with nothing much to do. 

The space left after we moved the sofa was huge, and allowed us really sort her toys out. We're pretty picky with her toys, and I make regular trips to the charity shop with gifted toys that just don't interest her. Still, after Christmas and her birthday, we were left with so SO many toys that she (and we) loved that we needed to get organised. These Ikea shelves are perfect for Josephine - the ideal height that allows her access to her things without Mama or Daddy's help, and a clearly dedicated place for each thing, ensuring tidying up is easier than ever. 

We're not bothered about how messy her room gets during the day - if she's having fun and is happily occupied, who cares about things covering her floor - but before nap time and bedtime, this Mama likes to have a place to put everything; and it makes engaging Josephine in the tidying up process much easier. 

Her books have been divided into those we read together (special books, older books and vintage books - because I can't bear to think they may get a little ruined!!) that still sit on the window sill and then books she loves to read herself that have a special cubby in the new shelving unit. Her toy basket has random bits in, the box is fill with Duplo and building blocks and the vintage house is easy to get to, as is the garage and her abacus. Her other toy boxes are now dedicated to puzzles, dressing up and teddies. Each with it's own box, each easy to access and clear away. 

The picture on the window sill of my Dad and Josephine is one of my favourite corners of this room. I completely love this picture, for so many reasons. I truly feel that my Dad is with Josephine, and all of us, the way he is here; holding her, and our, hands - looking over us, protecting us and walking alongside us, listening, whenever we need him. Josephine and I blow kisses to this picture all the time, and tell Grandpa how much we love and miss him, and cool he was :)

I'd spotted Josephine's bed a while ago and when my friend Amy bought one for her little boy Bertie, I fell in love with it. Before we made the trip to Ikea, I checked out eBay on the off chance there was a bargain to be had, and I found one for about a third of its original price. Score! For bedding, my Nan made the duvet and pillow cover from a vintage sheet I found and my Mum created this amazing quilt for Josephine for Christmas. It will sit on her bed always, and will be treasured forever. A true heirloom and so beautiful. 

Sweet postcards we decorated Josephine's room with before she was born have now made way for another washing line to hang paintings, pictures and postcards from her buddies on (idea stolen from here) and the huge painting above her door was created by Daddy and Phiney one rainy crafternoon; it's massive and awesome! 

Of course the arrival of her new kitchen has occupied a bit more space (again with a handy space for everything...anal Mama much?!) and her little vintage cradle and pram created a sweet little house for this little wannabe Mama. 

We all love this room. It's light, bright, fun and relaxed. And the perfect space for our little girl to grow.  

The Nursery
Changing Spaces

PONY

Little girl's first ponytail. 

The rain poured outside and we sat on the bed chatting and lounging and messing about. I played with her hair, as I so often do, and for the first time managed to pull it up into a ponytail. Josephine looked in the mirror with delight. Half recognising herself, half confused. 

Looking very grown up suddenly. 

With that wild hair tied back, you can really see her beauty. Those lips, those eyes. She belongs to a different time, so regal. 

ps. as someone with sticky-out ears, I am reveling in how beautifully flat to her head Phiney's ears are!

18 MONTHS

On Thursday Josephine turned 18 months old. That year and a half has zipped by, and what a year and a half it has been. The best time of our lives. You fill our hearts with such warmth and happiness little one. 

Since finishing the Monthly Portrait series I've missed the reminder to write (or type) about the little changes in Josephine; the new developments, the funny things she says and does. I thought this landmark would be the perfect opportunity to record those bits and bobs we don't ever want to forget.

OBSERVATIONS:
^^ You gather the fallen leaves from the trees in the garden, and meticulously place them on the netting over the strawberry patch. Every day. 
^^ You pat Jenny's back when you give her cuddles, to comfort her. As I do to you. 
^^ When I do the washing up at lunchtime, as you sit and eat your food, the sun bounces off the water in the sink and light glimmers on the wall. 'Fairy!' you cry. And we watch it dance across the ceiling. 
^^When I get you dressed and do your hair in the morning, you like to run to the mirror and see what you look like. You smile the biggest smile to your reflection, and often (hilariously) say 'pretty'. You certainly are my gorgeous girl. When I get dressed, you often say the same to me too. And I love you so much for that.

WORDS:
^^Every day new words, and yesterday you put three words together for the first time. 'Here go, Daddy' you said, as you passed him the hose pipe in the garden. You've since said the same thing again to Daddy and also 'here go Mama' about 75 times!

FAVOURITE THINGS
^^You were born to be outside. I doubt you're happier than when you are, especially if Daddy's around to help plant vegetables and water the garden with. The new hose we were given was a massive hit with you. 
^^Teddy and Jenny go everywhere with you, as does your pram. They picnic with you, head to the 'shops' with you, sit on the sofa and play in the garden with you. You will always love them, I'm sure. 
^^Falling over. If Daddy or I sit on the floor (or anyone else for that matter) it's not long before you're pushing us over, shouting with glee 'ova, ova!' Then you pull us up (often frowning and grunting 'heavy!') before pushing us back down. It's the most hilarious thing, apparently. Quite often, you then climb on us and make 'clip clop' sounds. Mama's and Daddy's make pretty good horses. 
^^Twirling, twisting, dancing. Always. 

FOOD:
^^Strawberries and peas from the garden are hard to beat. Especially if you've picked them with Daddy.
^^Saturday morning is Mama's lie-in so you and Daddy have a lazy time, messing around downstairs. Bacon sandwiches are a big part of this tradition, and a favourite with both of you.
^^With the current heat wave BBQs have been the meal of choice (in the last 3 weeks we've had double what we had all last summer!) Hot dogs are your favourite. Chilli and garlic sausages, bread rolls and ketchup. All make you a very happy bunny.

MUSIC:
^^You love music as much ever. Your favourite song right now is 'Happy Birthday'. You sing it over and over, whether or not it's someone's birthday. 
^^On a rainy day about a month ago, we cuddled on the sofa and watched Mary Poppins on Netflix Kids (well, the first 45 minutes at least. That is one long film!) I've never seen you react as quickly to a song as you did when Julie Andrews started singing 'A Spoonful of Sugar'. The song, the dancing toys, the whistling bird, Jane and Michael; you adored it all, and danced so happily for the entire song. It was so awesome.

I think I may revisit these headings, when I remember. To make a note of these moments in time that we will always cherish. 

LITTLE MAMA

It's become part of Phiney's morning to take her pram, her doll Jenny, her favourite bag, aka Mama's bag, her phone (our old home phone) a little purse I gave her, my car keys and a few other random trinkets (over the last few days these have included a pompom, piece of junk mail she claimed as her own, wooden fork - you know, what every Mama needs on a trip out) and declare 'shops!' 

She marches off, pulling her pram and never pushing it, shouting 'bye, bye' as she parks herself in this little spot; at the top of the stairs, between our bedroom and the living room. Every morning I ask her if she can buy some cheese and bananas. Every morning she repeats, over and over, 'cheese...bananas'.

Watching her play really is a privilege. She chats to Jenny, puts her to sleep in the pram before getting her up and feeding her some food. She pull stuff out of her bag and shoves them back in again and wonders round with her pram with real purpose. I try to observe all this without her seeing me; I try not to giggle with delight as she plays. 

Josephine, you are such a good and kind little Mama. My sweet, sweet girl. 

BIG

Stealing Mama's cup, so desperate to be a big girl. 

But there's no rush, little one. That time will come soon enough; too soon. 

Stay our baby for a while longer please. 

AFTERNOON FUN

This afternoon was one packed with playtime, buddy-time, festive-times and walking; the most Josephine's done so far. 17 steps from me to Ben. It's time to get this gal some shoes...

Feeding her bear / mama-daughter selfie / the ornament Phiney chose at the Christmas market / she sits watching the lights twinkle for much of the day / never very far from me at the moment / "tree", as Josephine likes to shout (about 100 times a day!) / so dramatic / three buddies born just days apart / festive treats for the Mamas / feeding Tony the Toadstool (made from this awesome book) / building her own tower / mesmerised by the tree once again.