DEAR JOSEPHINE...

Here we are, another year older already - I hardly know where the time has gone. You've grown and changed so much since my last letter, and have so many new experiences under your belt.

You started dance classes at the beginning of the year and pre-school after Easter, and you've blossomed incredibly. A little shy, and easily overwhelmed by large groups of people, you need a little time to climatise, but you always do quickly and happily and are playing and laughing and chatting in no time. And everyone at nursery thinks you're the bee's knees. You make us so proud. It's taken me a while to work out it's best to just leave you to it and stand back, or be there for plenty of cuddles, gently encouraging you to join in only after a few minutes. Thank you for being so patient and letting me figure it all out; how best to parent you, how best to be your Mama.

You have a hard job being the eldest my little love; I should know - and Daddy too - as the eldest ourselves. We talk often about remembering to not put pressure on you and expect more from you than we should. You are so clever and bright and switched on that I think sometimes we forget how little you are. And you help Coralie out so much, teaching her and guiding her without anyone having to say a word. You are a wonderful big sister Josephine.

The last year has seen your relationship with Coralie change so much, and it is lovely to watch. You now play so happily together (most of the time...I understand how frustrating it must be to get that puzzle ruined AGAIN after you spent so long carefully fitting together the pieces) and to watch you giggle and laugh and conspire melts my heart. A beautiful friendship is being forged and you're both so lucky to have that.

Right now you love all things fairies and elves and unicorns, Barbies and babies, and also cars, jumping, bike riding, running and the time you get just you and Daddy up at the allotment; what a special place that is for you both, and what fun you'll have next year there too. So proud of your matching wellies and hoodies, when you set off with your hair tied up and your backpack on, ready to work.

I love that you're the only dancer to clap the other ballerinas as they cutesy after each class every Friday, and how you were beside yourself with excitement when we visited Moorland Rd and I told you there were seven charity shops there. Your Mama's daughter, for sure.

You dance so beautifully Josephine, I well up at least once every dance class. Coralie and I sit entranced week after week. And I love our ritual of visiting the library straight after to return and pick out two books. You always know exactly what you want or don't want, and there's no persuading you. Reading with you is the best; always so many questions about little details on the page, hidden in the pictures. You notice the smallest things - don't ever stop. Your Grandpa once told me to 'always look up, because you could be missing so much' - and I think of that often. I don't think I'll have to remind you, but I'll be sure to pass on that wisdom as you grow.

You make your Grandpa so proud, of that I'm sure. Boy, he would have loved to have been around to hang out with you; to have seen you as Mary in your nativity a few weeks ago and take to the stage so naturally, singing and doing the actions. To see you fly round the track on your bike and to see the amazing outfits you concoct from the dressing up box and emerge from your bedroom wearing. To hear the downright insane stories you make up, before throwing your head back with a pretty evil sounding laugh. He would have thought you're completely mad, and completely brilliant. And your living life so completely and enthusiastically is a reminder for me of how we all should, like your Grandpa did too - and I thank you for that darling.

Next year will be another huge one for you - in September you start school! I can hardly believe it, nor do I want to! We've completed your application and I will now happily forget all about you being away from me for the majority of the day, five days a week, until April when we find out which school you got into. We plan to fill the summer with adventures and send you off with brilliant stories of crazy escapades and daring exploits of your time by the sea and up in the Scottish Highlands. Your first time on a plane too...you're so excited!

I suppose I could offer this advice or that prediction, but all I want to say Josephine is - continue being you. Because you're awesome. Goofy and beautiful. Kind and funny. Stubborn and serious. The most wonderful creature. And even when you don't listen and test my patience to it's extremes, I still think you're wonderful. I am in awe of you, always.

I am so proud of you, so proud to be your Mama.
I love you xxx

MY YEAR: a new chapter, part three

As the year comes to a close, it's natural for us to reflect on what the last 12 months have brought, revealed and challenged us with. And I feel like it's been a big year for me.

I wrote last year, that 2014 was a year of quiet and healing. It was by far the most emotional of my life; a year of heart-breaking lows and heart-mending highs. It was a year of firsts without my Dad and firsts with Coralie; the strange reality of my Dad never meeting Coralie, and yet their lives overlapping in that way is something I think about often.

It turns out that 2015 has been a year of understanding and growth for me. I guess in many ways I didn't realise it at the time, as the months and seasons slipped by, but here we are and it's dawning on me how much I've changed this year. My opinion, feelings and thoughts on so many things feel more grounded, more true. I feel like I've discovered more of myself this year than I ever have before.

Over these last weeks, in the midst of exhaustion and illness, I've found myself awake in the middle of the night, joining the dots. And while it's been a journey, and one that on many levels I was thrown unwittingly, kicking and screaming into, the last two years have taught me so much about myself and the person I want to be.

* I think motherhood is a journey that none of us know the path of. It winds and flows in every direction, sometimes all at once, and the best we can do is learn and understand and stay true to ourselves and our instincts and beliefs. Birthing Coralie and those first six months of sleepless nights and attempting to forge some kind of routine and normality in the throws of grief, was hard. Indescribable, really. But as Coralie has grown, and as all four of us have, we've hit a stride in these last few months that I feel in sync with. There have been challenges, as there always are in parenthood, but Ben and I have come out stronger and more united than ever. And our girls continue to blossom and thrive. They are truly my greatest achievement and, oh! My life, my existence, it's all for them, for Ben, for our little family. I want to be present, to listen and understand, even when I find it hard to. I want to smile and laugh and continue to forgive and forget the little things that can sometimes seem like the biggest things. Because they're not. I want to take more moments to myself to breathe and stay calm and centred; to think. And I want to see those moments as a blessing and necessity not a failure.

* I want to relax in this new found freedom that is body-confidence. It's not so much getting my old body back, because that really hasn't happened, but it's understanding this new body of mine. This amazing body that created and grew and birthed and nourished my babies. I have a new found respect for it, and am in a very happy place where I no longer feel like I'm fighting it. I'm happy, and despite being heavier and softer, I love it more. I aim to listen to it, to strengthen it (but gently with pilates I think) and I will embrace this feeling and share it with my girls. To love oneself. To stand in front of the mirror and feel proud. And I will enjoy every mouthful of steak or creamy chicken Ben cooks and every bite of that chocolate bar he brings me home as a treat.

* I aim to continue simplifying. A term thrown at everything now, I know, but one I've really identified with this year. In all aspects of life, I hope to be less cluttered. To hold onto only the things I truly love. I've started well in 2015 and feel so much clearer because of it.

* The mix of motherhood and grieving has pushed my love of style and fashion away, as far as it ever has been, but over the last six months, I've felt it return and it's different now. It's about those few choice pieces - not necessarily expensive (the charity shop is still my number one) but thoughtful - about finding the balance between practicality and desirability; for my wardrobe and our home. Clothing-wise, I've got rid of those fall-back items I just chuck on because they're easy, yet which I never feel good in. I deserve more than that; whether I'm at the park, at home or out for lunch. I aim to buy less, but make it count.

* I want to use my time better, to use it purposefully and use it well. To achieve the little things and the big things. The things I need to and the things I want to. I have a few projects I hope to develop and work on next year, and I will need to utilise the afternoon naptimes, the nursery times and the early evenings as best I can, but I know it will be worth it. I'm excited to see what that time will bring.

For me, 2016 is about thoughtfulness. All these things come back to that. It's about taking a moment to decide what I want; what I want to buy, say, do, achieve. I want to take control and make the most of this year. Breath in every second of my babies, of this moment in our lives, seize every opportunity and make my place in this world count.

GETTING OUT

My favourite thing right now is heading out the door nice and early for a run around with the girls and a good breath of fresh air. It really starts the day right, for all three of us. When the winter sets in round these parts, it can be easy to spend the days cooped up indoors, but with that scenario comes squabbles, boredom, frayed tempers and, often, the TV. We always invest in good waterproof trousers for the girls, and have lucked out with great raincoats at the charity shop over the years, so the rain and cold can't stop us. It may take us 20 minutes to put it all on and get out of the door, but it's always worth it.

On Friday we kicked off the weekend with a drizzly trip to feed the ducks and wander round the park. We were out of the car by 9.20am and had the duck's complete attention with our loaf of bread. The girls giggled with glee as the ducks swarmed us, and happily gobbled up our treats.

We then strolled round the park, petting dogs and chasing birds and squirrels, eating Christmas snacks (a must-have for any chilly walk) and talking about what we had planned for the weekend. 

We were only out for an hour before the drizzle turned to rain and a dash back to the car, but it was lovely and I can't wait for our next spontaneous morning outing.

No photos of us feeding the ducks...I can't trust Coralie not to throw herself into the pond trying to cuddle one of them when I'm stood back snapping away!

NATIVITY: our little Mary

Last week Josephine starred as Mary in her pre-school nativity play. She was completely glorious - singing beautifully, putting all her energy into the actions and smiling so happily at us at every opportunity. I giggled with joy throughout, and could have watched it a thousand times.

When we left pre-school afterwards, we asked her if she was nervous and she replied, "No, I wasn't nervous. I just wanted to get on the stage and sing!"

Making us proud every day, our darling Josephine xx

I wish I could post a few more pictures, but we're not allowed to share those with other children in on social media, so this one of Phiney and her best buddy Oliver (who was adorably Joseph!) as they came onto the stage, will have to suffice :)

PETERSHAM NURSERIES

It's been a tough few months. We've had one sleep issue after another and I have felt the most exhausted of my life, even more so than those newborn days. It's a funny old thing, exhaustion. With it comes illness and impatience and a lack of drive and ability to get anything done. Thankfully, I feel like we're coming out of this period of bad sleep (touch wood/fingers crossed etc etc!) so my visit to London to see my dear friend Polly came just at the right time.

I think as parents, and especially mamas, it's so easy to put ourselves last; to put the children, our partners, the house and everyday life before us, and yet sometimes it's the most important thing to ensure we can keep on giving the best of what we have. The last few weeks I've really felt like I've being doing a pretty crappy job as a Mama. Getting cross and raising my voice - my patience is the first thing to go when I'm tired, let alone exhausted to my bones.

But today, after hours yesterday of uninterrupted conversations about mamahood, marriage, photography, blogging, IG - everything - with Polly, I feel back to myself. Inspired and energised. I just needed some me time, and I'm going to try and remember that; try and put myself first sometimes and get away for a day. Take the time to reflect, breathe, talk and listen. I've already noticed a difference today in my motivation, my interaction with the girls, my general outlook.

Polly and I walked along the river to the beautiful Petersham Nurseries (my new favourite place) where we ooohhed and ahhhhed over the Christmas decorations and where we ate a delicious lunch (without having to share, and whilst it was still hot!) before a stroll into Richmond and home again.

I've written here before about how grateful I am for the blogging and Instagram world for bringing some wonderful women into my life, and today I feel that same gratitude. I've found such a beautiful friend in Polly and I think, especially as we get older and that gets harder to find, that I'm incredibly lucky. She's genuine and warm, inspiring and creative, down to Earth and funny. I came home last night buzzing with ideas we'd shared and fun projects for the future.

I can't wait for our next meet up, and am so grateful for yesterday giving me these fresh eyes on our life, the adventures just waiting to start and 2016.

treasures from a special place

A few days ago, as we rushed home from somewhere, Josephine asked me if she could pick something up that was hiding in the leaves in the gutter next to the pavement. When I asked her what she'd found, she held out a single, pristine bright pink petal and said:

"Look Mama, at this beautiful treasure. I think Grandpa dropped this for me from his special place, for me to find. And whenever we look at it we can think about him and it will make us smile and be happy."

The beautiful petal is now sitting in Josephine's flower press, ready to be tucked away in one of our scrap books alongside Josephine's story. I've never told her any stories like that before regarding my Dad, which only makes it more magical and more beautiful; that she thought of it by herself, in that fleeting moment.

That my Dad is always in her thoughts, always with her, is such a comfort to me. That he lives on within us all, even if he's not here himself. That he's never forgotten and remains a huge part of our lives and will do forever.

As happy tears filled my eyes, I cuddled my darling girl for giving that ordinary day a little bit of magic, for being so kind-hearted and seeing the wonder in the smallest thing; the beauty of that pink petal, buried in a pile of brown crunchy leaves. For talking about my Dad, and remembering him in her own such special ways.

MONTHLY PORTRAIT: sisters

A little late, but November's Monthly Portrait of Josephine and Coralie. Little Mamas together.

LITTLE MAMAS: part three

I know, I know...more pictures of the girls and their prams, but I just can't get enough of them. I think it's something about the way they play out there that really gets me. Indoors playing can sometimes be a little more fractious these days...Josephine sets up a game and Coralie 'investigates' (read: destroys!) and anything Coralie is playing with, Phiney instantly wants. I'm sure it's just a phase, but it can get a bit stressful for us all, so getting out in the winter sun and watching them play so happily together is lovely.

They walk together chatting away; Coralie following Josephine's lead and every move and Josephine so sweetly looking out for her baby sister.

My sister and I always loved playing with our dolls together, and it makes my Mama heart so happy to see my own girls doing just the same.

I made a little film too...

WHAT CORALIE WORE

WEARING: cardigan handknitted by my Grandma (for Josephine when she was small) // vintage white linen French blouse // Coco & Wolf denim bloomers // La Coqueta tights // Clarks shoes

I adore this cardigan my Grandma knitted when Josephine was little - she's so on trend (and didn't have a clue what I was talking about when I said it was just like Misha and Puff!) The bloomers are an absolute stable whatever the season, and I'm so happy that this little vintage blouse finally fits Coralie.

I love dressing Coralie in Josephine's hand me downs, but I'm finding as she gets older that she's more suited to the bloomers and tops combo rather than the floral dresses that Phiney mostly wore when she was this age. Perhaps it's because it was high summer, but I love the differences between them as much as the similarities.

Another notable difference is Coralie's absolute dislike for hats and hair bows. She barely keeps anything on her head or in her hair for more that 10 seconds, so today she got a Mama hair cut and I cut her a fringe. She was starting to resemble a shaggy sheep dog so it was a must. And I have to say, it's damn cute. A picture to come soon, promise :)