PETERSHAM NURSERIES

It's been a tough few months. We've had one sleep issue after another and I have felt the most exhausted of my life, even more so than those newborn days. It's a funny old thing, exhaustion. With it comes illness and impatience and a lack of drive and ability to get anything done. Thankfully, I feel like we're coming out of this period of bad sleep (touch wood/fingers crossed etc etc!) so my visit to London to see my dear friend Polly came just at the right time.

I think as parents, and especially mamas, it's so easy to put ourselves last; to put the children, our partners, the house and everyday life before us, and yet sometimes it's the most important thing to ensure we can keep on giving the best of what we have. The last few weeks I've really felt like I've being doing a pretty crappy job as a Mama. Getting cross and raising my voice - my patience is the first thing to go when I'm tired, let alone exhausted to my bones.

But today, after hours yesterday of uninterrupted conversations about mamahood, marriage, photography, blogging, IG - everything - with Polly, I feel back to myself. Inspired and energised. I just needed some me time, and I'm going to try and remember that; try and put myself first sometimes and get away for a day. Take the time to reflect, breathe, talk and listen. I've already noticed a difference today in my motivation, my interaction with the girls, my general outlook.

Polly and I walked along the river to the beautiful Petersham Nurseries (my new favourite place) where we ooohhed and ahhhhed over the Christmas decorations and where we ate a delicious lunch (without having to share, and whilst it was still hot!) before a stroll into Richmond and home again.

I've written here before about how grateful I am for the blogging and Instagram world for bringing some wonderful women into my life, and today I feel that same gratitude. I've found such a beautiful friend in Polly and I think, especially as we get older and that gets harder to find, that I'm incredibly lucky. She's genuine and warm, inspiring and creative, down to Earth and funny. I came home last night buzzing with ideas we'd shared and fun projects for the future.

I can't wait for our next meet up, and am so grateful for yesterday giving me these fresh eyes on our life, the adventures just waiting to start and 2016.

FRIENDSHIP

It was with nervous excitement that I met one of my favourite blogging and IG friends, Polly, last week. It's such a surreal thing meeting up with people who you feel you know so well (we've been online friends for years) despite the fact this is the first time you've seen each other in real life. I've been lucky enough to convert online friendships into real life friendships a few times now, and it's one of the reasons I love the little community I've built myself through the crazy world of social media.

As soon as Polly and I met, any nerves melted away and we chatted as if we had known each other for years. She is sweet and funny and cool and inspiring and so supportive and it was lovely to watch our three year olds play so happily together.

I think we could have chatted for hours about blogging and IG, photography and mamahood, so a kiddo-free trip to London for a grown up lunch filled with talk, talk, talk is most definitely on the cards.

I managed to snap a few photos of Polly and her gorgeous girl Elsie (Raff and Phiney were far too enthralled in exploring the Botanical Gardens together to get involved!) and Polly took some of me too, which are incredible and which I will cherish forever.

Making new friends when you get older is hard, but I've been lucky enough to find a brilliant group of like-minded and beautiful women since I became a mother. Connected through the highs and lows of parenting, all there to lend an ear and helpful advice whenever it's needed. And I'm so grateful for them all.

FRIENDS

A beautiful summers picnic with some of our favourite girls. Josephine adores Edie, and it was so lovely to meet sweet little Agnes and have a squeeze.

I'm so happy that, through the wonders of IG, I met Amy. She is one of my most favourite ladies and it feels like we're always on the same page. Good friends are hard to find, especially as we get older, but I'm so lucky to have met five beautiful women since having Josephine; bought together through motherhood, and always there to discuss babies and behaviour, feeding and pre-school. And more; life, womanhood, the politics of IG and blogging...

So grateful for these ladies. And so grateful for their brilliant children who make our girls so happy.

A NEW CHAPTER: part two

Shoots of new life bursting through the soil at the Botanical Gardens on Christmas Eve, basking in the warm winter sun.

Happy New Year! Hello 2015, hello new-look blog and hello to a new chapter.

Back at the beginning of 2014, just weeks after my dad died, I wrote a piece about life without him being a new chapter of the same story, and as the new year begins I feel that yet another chapter has started. 2014 was a year of firsts; birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and special occasions without Dad here. Learning how to celebrate whilst living with such sadness has been so strange, but I think, and I've been told by other people who have dealt with death, that facing those occasions will be a bit easier the second time round.

2014 was also a year to begin healing, to learn how to cope, to learn what life is like without my Dad here. Throughout the year I experienced bursts of energy, times when I wanted to grab life by the horns as my Dad always did. I launched Nell Mallia Photography, which was been met with quite a few bookings and such wonderful feedback. But then winter set in and I felt the need to be still and reflect once again. With this new year and new chapter, comes a new sense of passion and ambition, and I'm really excited to build on what I've started and push it to the next level.

I'm also really excited to be back here, to add to our journal more regularly. Starting with my new header, I also plan to fill in the gaps from last year; complete the 52 Project, get up to date with Coralie's Monthly Portraits and our Insta-month round ups, finally write Coralie's birth story. But I plan to slot those in when I have the time and post them to the right months; but I'll let you know when I do and where they are, in case you'd like to check them out :)

I've never really been one for resolutions and seeing the new year as a fresh start, but I am pretty happy to see the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015. Of course, 2014 bought us the most wonderful gift in Coralie, but I'm more than ready for a new chapter.

I plan to simplify, to cut down on the amount I'm on my phone, to live in the moment and, most importantly, seek new adventures with this little family of mine. To tell our family and friends how much they mean to us and to not waste any more time on the negative people who have caused so much hurt. This is a year of positivity and growth.

I hope you've got great plans for 2015, and I hope this year brings only happiness for you all xxx

thankful

One week today it will be Christmas Eve. And on that day it will be exactly a year since the last time I ever spoke to my Dad, the last time I saw his face on Skype; the last laughs we shared and our last goodbyes.

As the anniversary of his death gets closer, the grief and longing to see him again is palpable. I have found over the last year that it's the days before a big anniversary or special occasion that I find the hardest.

I find it harder than usual to not relive certain moments over and over again in my head. I fall asleep thinking about them and during the (albeit rare) moments of quiet during the day, my mind quickly wanders to those hardest of days. To the moment I heard what had happened, to the deep, dark silence that filled my car as my brother, sister and I travelled to Cornwall that same day to be with my Grandparents and the rest of my family; to his funeral – standing, looking at his coffin, speaking the words of my eulogy for him.

Come the day itself, I find strength I didn't think I could muster. I can smile as I think of my Dad's beautiful face and jokes he would crack. I find the dread I had about how I would feel, melt away. I've realised that the complete sadness, the heartbreak, the amount I miss my Dad, isn't greater on those 'significant' days. It's that way every day; some days are easier than others, of course, but it's there always. I replay those moments all the time. It's hard not to. I think about my Dad all day, every day. Happy thoughts, sad thoughts; smiles and tears.

In the summer, when we were driving back to Cornwall for our summer holidays, I spoke to Ben about the last time I had driven those roads. And Ben told me about how, when I told him that Dad had died, he wondered what the next year would hold; how I'd cope, whether I'd even find the energy to get out of bed and carry on. That the strength I, and my family, had shown was incredible, inspiring. That my Dad would be so proud of us all. I think of Ben's words often too, they help me hold my head high when I want to look down and cry.

I'm looking forward to the New Year like I never have before. I'm ready for 2014 to be over. To begin a new chapter. It's been the hardest year of my life. Learning to live without my Dad here beside me, seeing my best friend be heartbroken, moving away and starting a new chapter in her life, how hard things are for my brother right now and knowing of the sadness my sweet friend has to endure after loosing her precious babies; my young sister in law cope with the diagnosis of cancer and watching Ben's beloved Grandad pass away leaving his wife of 60 years. The list seems endless. But it has also been so wonderful. Coralie's arrival has bought such joy, and the happiness and laughter Josephine has bought us is something I will forever be thankful for. Planning my sister's wedding and seeing how happy she is, the birth of my Godson and watching my best friend create a beautiful home for her boys and find strength that is so inspiring, my sister in law getting the all clear and showing such bravery.

At this time of year it's important to reflect on all we have to be thankful for, and despite the heartbreak I've suffered over the last 12 months, I know I have many beautiful things to be grateful for. And I plan to focus on those. I am thankful for my girls and for Ben, who has been so strong when he too has been so sad. For my family and such good friends. For a safe home, good health and yummy food on the table. Knowing that my Dad was so happy when he left this Earth, and being free of any anger that so many have to suffer when someone they love so much dies so suddenly.

This week has bought such sadness around the world. The tragedy is Sydney, which unfolded just round the corner from where my Dad was living this time last year, and the truly horrific and soul-wrenching events in Pakistan yesterday. When the world faces such hatred and heartbreak, we must focus on what is good.

Finally, I am thankful for you. The support I have received from my little online community, via my blog and IG, has been incredible. And whilst I've had some messages questioning sharing my grief and my feelings through this medium, I remain grateful for the opportunity to do so. To have some of you reach out with your own experiences, to have you all offer such kindness and happy thoughts.

With the New Year comes new plans for this space. I've barely held on to it this year, but that's ok. It has been a year to begin healing, to be quiet and to reflect. But I feel that now is time to start writing more. To take more pictures, and I'm looking forward to getting back to blogging more regularly after Christmas.

I am, as ever, inspired by my Dad and will keep moving forward, keep seizing the day and new opportunities.

Much love to you all, and thank you xxx

TJE 52 PROJECT: june and july

So, the catching up continues...crikey, it's taking me a long time to trawl through the photographs of the last few months and choose portraits for The 52 Project. And I have to admit that, for the first time in more than 18 months of taking part in this project, I'm having to resort to iPhone snaps for a couple of the weeks. They're great photographs though, that perfectly represent that moment in time, so I'm not too bothered.

Below are the portraits from the end of June and July and I'll catch up on August's portraits later on - because Great British Bake Off is about to start and it's our favourite programme on TV (AKA the only thing we watch on TV) Priorities, people!

26/52

 

 

The bestest of buddies. Josephine and Coralie with my best friend's boys, Oliver, Theo and George - my beautiful Godson, born just 3 weeks before Coralie. Friends for life. 

 

27/52 

Coralie: Cuddles with Auntie Dora in my Grandparent's bedroom in Cornwall. My sister and I spent many happy days with my Grandma in her room, looking at her treasures; jewellery and scarves, gloves and hats. I love that I get to share that with my own girls now.

Josephine: So happy to be on the beach. All day, every day if you could. Not phased by the icy cold sea or the boiling sun; just happy to feel the sand between your toes and have a selection of family members to call on for a spot of exploring. No joke, she pretty much wore this outfit all week.

 

28/52

 

Our first holiday as a family of four. It was such a special trip, for so many reasons. Pretty stressful with a two month old in tow at times, but wonderful. And I'm trying to get over myself and post pictures even if I think I look a bit chubby in them (or have enormous boobies thanks to the aforementioned two month old and a feeding frenzy!) In years to come I, we and they won't care about a little post-pregnancy softness. It'll be about the memories of that lovely week in my favourite place on Earth.

 

29/52



Coralie: People say she's the image of me. And I love that.

 

Josephine: The sweetest little copycat. Ben is doing up an old bike he found and Phiney has been 'working' on her balance bike alongside him. I snapped this through our bedroom window; spying on these two is the most heart melting game. Anything Daddy does, Phiney does too.

  

"A portrait of my daughters, once a week every week in 2014".

Taking part in Jodi's 52 Project.

BACK

I've been thinking about this space so much over the last month. Always wanting to make new entries into this online journal of mine but never quite finding the time. Constructing posts together in my head (that's the writer in me) and taking lovely pictures, but never quite finding the energy to put it all together.

Last night, at about 2.15am (night feeds, pretty much the only time I have a moment to sit quietly and think!) I realised that today would be the perfect day to come back to this place. I do love to start things on a Monday, or on the first of the month. The stars had clearly aligned.

In all honesty, what has kept me from posting anything here is the sheer enormity of what I do have to post; what I want to include on this blog from the last few months. Special occasions, simple family walks, moments I always want to remember. I had wondered whether to catch up before starting afresh, but I think that is too huge a task. So, I'm going to mix it up - get ready for some random catch up posts from way back in July and August! I mean, Coralie turns four months old on Sunday (how?!) and I still haven't posted her three month portrait.

But I will, I'm back in the game. And I have so many things to share, exciting times and beautiful memories. So thank you if you're still here, reading this. How have you spent your summer? I hope it's been magical. Can you believe it's September already?! xx

BLOGGING

I haven't been round here much recently. In fact, if it hadn't been for The 52 Project I think a good few weeks could have easily passed between posts. Life's been busy. Nothing fancy or particularly interesting, just busy. 

It was with interest that I read Claire's post today. Her blog is absolutely one of my favourites. Her honest and sweet words, along with her glorious pictures, make it one of the most authentic blogs out there. Claire has decided to take a blogging break, for now, and it got me thinking about my own little space of the Internet. 

I absolutely agree with her thoughts on the messages we send, as bloggers, in our posts. That, through carefully selected words and pictures, someone's life can seem peachy and perfect from the outside. I know that this blog certainly reflects only a small section of our lives. The happy times, the best pictures, the most interesting things we do. So I thought I'd tell you a little more about how I use this space and why I choose to share what I do. 

I made a very conscious decision about six months ago regarding what I wanted from this space. I wanted it to be a diary. A space to jot down, reflect and share these first years as husband and wife, and as parents. A space we can look back on in years to come and remind ourselves of the little things that passing years may have caused us to forget. A space to display our favourite photographs, rather than loosing them in the never-ending albums on our computer. And of course a place to connect with others around the world, to find support and solidarity and advice. 

It is because of this that I don't really talk about bad days (Josephine has been teething for a week and has been an utter delight; fighting sleep, always wanting to be picked up, generally moaning for large periods of the day!) or why I don't reflect on the absolute lack of money we have right now (the bills are paid, the food is bought, but after that we're counting our pennies); why I don't torture myself wishing for houses we can't afford to buy (we rent our flat and I honestly can't see a time when we'll have saved enough to cover a deposit in the crazy expensive part of the world we live in) or moan about the constant washing up, ironing and tidying up there is to do (there's always hoards of all the above and I'm normally way behind in keeping up with it all). 

Sure there may be times when I'm not here as much as I have been and there may be posts that aren't as meaningful or thought-provoking as others (I can't help but post random pictures of our gorgeous girl sometimes!) but I know in a few years I'll be thankful that I kept at it and made the time to sit down and blog. And I thank you for sticking with me through it all. I read every comment and love that you take the time to pop over and say hello. 

I feel like I'm getting back in the blogging zone so fingers crossed I'll see you soon xx

HAPPY CIRCUS: knitted bows and beautiful people

As well as being a wonderful diary, recording our lives together, firstly as a newly married couple and then as new parents, this blog has bought with it new friendships; the opportunity to meet lovely people who just so happen to live on the other side of the world to us rather than just round the corner. People with whom an an email conversation is as fun and easy as a catch up over a cup of tea.Tim and Kesh are two of those people. They are good people. We are so excited to have them come visit when they're in the UK in the summer; to see our babies play together and show them our little corner of the planet.Having Tim shoot these pictures for Happy Circus, and Kesh model, is awesome. And I hope you'll agree that these shots are awesome too. I think they are. So, thank you guys for your time and kindness. Roll on the summer :)ps. I currently have 299 followers - how brilliant! But that odd number is playing on my mind (I like a nice round, even number thank you very much!) so if you're not a follower, go on and hit that button. You know you want to. Go on. Please.

THE HOMEMAKER SERIES: LIFE

I attempted to write this blog post at the end of last week, and again yesterday. And I never intended it to be  part of the Homemaker Series, but as I thought about what I wanted to write it seemed an interesting topic to touch on as part of this collection. 

The last month has been a little fraught round here. Nothing major, nothing dramatic, just not the easiest of months. The time of year hasn't helped and neither did the beautiful weather a few weeks ago, which tricked us into thinking spring was here before Mother Nature threw snow and freezing winds back at us. Add to that a tense situation on Ben's side of the family (which thankfully seems to be sorted now), a teething 14 month old and a bank balance that is rather lacking and it's easy to see why February wasn't my favourite month. 

I feel a bit like I've been on pause. Spending my days playing with Josephine indoors rather than braving the cold and heading to the park; spending her nap time watching terrible yet addictive TV instead of doing something a little more creative; eating bad (albeit so tasty) junk food and biting my nails again; watching the length of time between blog posts get longer and longer. Uninspired. 

Over the weekend it occurred to me that I needed to make a change, a conscious decision to get myself moving again. And yesterday was a good day. I did a full-on deep clean of the whole house (Josephine was a mostly awesome helper - occupying herself or happily following me drag the hoover around), I made my very first cottage pie - that one up there, photographed with pride - for Phiney, I did washing galore and hung a load on the washing line for the first time this year and, wait for it, I did an exercise DVD when Josephine was napping. It was intense and insane, but boy did I feel chuffed afterwards. I went to bed last night feeling good and feeling satisfied. Not only feeling more like myself, but also feeling a new sense of achievement; of growth. At learning to do something new and remembering the importance of taking care of myself so I can take care of my little family. 

While we watch in awe at Josephine grow, it's easy to forget that we're growing all the time right now too. Learning everyday how to be better partners to each other and better parents to a toddler who's changing all the time. Sometimes I think a pause is necessary, to rest and rejuvenate. Because, ultimately, if I'm feeling happy and at my best, I can be better at all this homemaking stuff. 

Today I did that exercise DVD again, I received two really exciting emails regarding Happy Circus, Josephine and I wrapped up warm and headed to the park and Ben and I enjoyed a delicious curry and plenty of cuddles on the sofa. 

Despite the rain and cold, spring is most definitely trying to break through. Just look at these sweet blooms in the garden. Soon warmer weather and sunshine will be here, and I can't wait for everything that season will bring. 

ps. I've just announced the winner of the giveaway over here :)