HAPPY NEW YEAR

Just stopping by to wish you all a very happy new year. May it be filled with love, laughter and the most wonderful adventures. Thank you for all your kind words and emails, here and over on IG - they always mean so much.

I'll post some more pictures from today's family walk tomorrow, but as you can see, I'm already sticking to my intention of getting in front of the camera more! Thank you to my beautiful sister for capturing this moment. I absolutely love this photograph.

Much love to you all xx

My intentions for 2016

MY YEAR: a new chapter, part three

As the year comes to a close, it's natural for us to reflect on what the last 12 months have brought, revealed and challenged us with. And I feel like it's been a big year for me.

I wrote last year, that 2014 was a year of quiet and healing. It was by far the most emotional of my life; a year of heart-breaking lows and heart-mending highs. It was a year of firsts without my Dad and firsts with Coralie; the strange reality of my Dad never meeting Coralie, and yet their lives overlapping in that way is something I think about often.

It turns out that 2015 has been a year of understanding and growth for me. I guess in many ways I didn't realise it at the time, as the months and seasons slipped by, but here we are and it's dawning on me how much I've changed this year. My opinion, feelings and thoughts on so many things feel more grounded, more true. I feel like I've discovered more of myself this year than I ever have before.

Over these last weeks, in the midst of exhaustion and illness, I've found myself awake in the middle of the night, joining the dots. And while it's been a journey, and one that on many levels I was thrown unwittingly, kicking and screaming into, the last two years have taught me so much about myself and the person I want to be.

* I think motherhood is a journey that none of us know the path of. It winds and flows in every direction, sometimes all at once, and the best we can do is learn and understand and stay true to ourselves and our instincts and beliefs. Birthing Coralie and those first six months of sleepless nights and attempting to forge some kind of routine and normality in the throws of grief, was hard. Indescribable, really. But as Coralie has grown, and as all four of us have, we've hit a stride in these last few months that I feel in sync with. There have been challenges, as there always are in parenthood, but Ben and I have come out stronger and more united than ever. And our girls continue to blossom and thrive. They are truly my greatest achievement and, oh! My life, my existence, it's all for them, for Ben, for our little family. I want to be present, to listen and understand, even when I find it hard to. I want to smile and laugh and continue to forgive and forget the little things that can sometimes seem like the biggest things. Because they're not. I want to take more moments to myself to breathe and stay calm and centred; to think. And I want to see those moments as a blessing and necessity not a failure.

* I want to relax in this new found freedom that is body-confidence. It's not so much getting my old body back, because that really hasn't happened, but it's understanding this new body of mine. This amazing body that created and grew and birthed and nourished my babies. I have a new found respect for it, and am in a very happy place where I no longer feel like I'm fighting it. I'm happy, and despite being heavier and softer, I love it more. I aim to listen to it, to strengthen it (but gently with pilates I think) and I will embrace this feeling and share it with my girls. To love oneself. To stand in front of the mirror and feel proud. And I will enjoy every mouthful of steak or creamy chicken Ben cooks and every bite of that chocolate bar he brings me home as a treat.

* I aim to continue simplifying. A term thrown at everything now, I know, but one I've really identified with this year. In all aspects of life, I hope to be less cluttered. To hold onto only the things I truly love. I've started well in 2015 and feel so much clearer because of it.

* The mix of motherhood and grieving has pushed my love of style and fashion away, as far as it ever has been, but over the last six months, I've felt it return and it's different now. It's about those few choice pieces - not necessarily expensive (the charity shop is still my number one) but thoughtful - about finding the balance between practicality and desirability; for my wardrobe and our home. Clothing-wise, I've got rid of those fall-back items I just chuck on because they're easy, yet which I never feel good in. I deserve more than that; whether I'm at the park, at home or out for lunch. I aim to buy less, but make it count.

* I want to use my time better, to use it purposefully and use it well. To achieve the little things and the big things. The things I need to and the things I want to. I have a few projects I hope to develop and work on next year, and I will need to utilise the afternoon naptimes, the nursery times and the early evenings as best I can, but I know it will be worth it. I'm excited to see what that time will bring.

For me, 2016 is about thoughtfulness. All these things come back to that. It's about taking a moment to decide what I want; what I want to buy, say, do, achieve. I want to take control and make the most of this year. Breath in every second of my babies, of this moment in our lives, seize every opportunity and make my place in this world count.

A NEW CHAPTER: part two

Shoots of new life bursting through the soil at the Botanical Gardens on Christmas Eve, basking in the warm winter sun.

Happy New Year! Hello 2015, hello new-look blog and hello to a new chapter.

Back at the beginning of 2014, just weeks after my dad died, I wrote a piece about life without him being a new chapter of the same story, and as the new year begins I feel that yet another chapter has started. 2014 was a year of firsts; birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and special occasions without Dad here. Learning how to celebrate whilst living with such sadness has been so strange, but I think, and I've been told by other people who have dealt with death, that facing those occasions will be a bit easier the second time round.

2014 was also a year to begin healing, to learn how to cope, to learn what life is like without my Dad here. Throughout the year I experienced bursts of energy, times when I wanted to grab life by the horns as my Dad always did. I launched Nell Mallia Photography, which was been met with quite a few bookings and such wonderful feedback. But then winter set in and I felt the need to be still and reflect once again. With this new year and new chapter, comes a new sense of passion and ambition, and I'm really excited to build on what I've started and push it to the next level.

I'm also really excited to be back here, to add to our journal more regularly. Starting with my new header, I also plan to fill in the gaps from last year; complete the 52 Project, get up to date with Coralie's Monthly Portraits and our Insta-month round ups, finally write Coralie's birth story. But I plan to slot those in when I have the time and post them to the right months; but I'll let you know when I do and where they are, in case you'd like to check them out :)

I've never really been one for resolutions and seeing the new year as a fresh start, but I am pretty happy to see the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015. Of course, 2014 bought us the most wonderful gift in Coralie, but I'm more than ready for a new chapter.

I plan to simplify, to cut down on the amount I'm on my phone, to live in the moment and, most importantly, seek new adventures with this little family of mine. To tell our family and friends how much they mean to us and to not waste any more time on the negative people who have caused so much hurt. This is a year of positivity and growth.

I hope you've got great plans for 2015, and I hope this year brings only happiness for you all xxx

2012: it was a very good year

When I'm old and grey, and sitting in a comfy chair next to Ben looking back on our lives, there will be years that stand out as the best. Those life-changing times, when new adventures began.

The year 2000 will be one of those years. The year I met my love, my best friend, my soul mate. That year finished with my boy telling me he loved me for the first time, on New Years Eve. And I told him I loved him too, and I did with all my being. I had the same butterflies in my tummy then, when we spoke those words to each other, as I do when we say them now. That year I started a journey that would shape the course of my whole life.

In 2010, I married my boy. We wrote our vows to each other and spoke them in front of our friends and family; in front of all the people we love and who have helped shaped us as individuals and as a couple. As the rain poured down outside, inside the wonder of happiness kept us all warm and we laughed and danced and ate until the early hours. That was a magical day, and it was a magical year.

In 2012 we welcomed the most beautiful creature into this world and into our lives. On January 18th Josephine joined our little family. We had been dreaming about her, and talking about her and planning her arrival for many years, from so early in our relationship. And now here she is. More wonderful and lovely and sweet and hilarious than we could have ever imagined. Our hearts burst with love and happiness when we see her and it is a true honour to call her our daughter. To be her parents.

The pictures of my two loves up there are some of my favourites from this year (not including these shots, all of which are some of my favourites!). Learning how to use my camera a little better has been awesome and looking back on these photos, I really do think I have captured some of the moments from the year that we'll cherish forever.

Who knows what 2013 will hold. I hope we'll take more trips, discover new places and enjoy some spontaneous adventures. I plan to take more pictures, and get better at doing it. To spend more time crafting and baking with our little one and to build Happy Circus and start new exciting ventures. Maybe we'll even think about making our little family of three a family of four.

Whatever the next 12 months hold, I know they'll be awesome. How can they not be when I'm sharing them with the two most incredible beings on the planet :)

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Happy New Year! I hope you welcomed in 2012 with style, whatever you did. This is how our evening shaped up; amazing burgers, fries and movies. Then, as the fireworks marked midnight, we stuck our heads out of the window to watch the sky light up. It was bliss. Just me, The Boy and The Belly.

This morning I got a text from one of my oldest, dearest friends letting me know that she was taking inspiration from my 10 for 2011 list, was writing her own and was feeling positive and ready to go for 2012. My friend has had the most difficult of years, and I'm so proud of how she's dealt with it with grace and dignity, still happy to lend me support when I've needed it despite how tough that must have been at times. She's a true friend and inspiration and I wish her and her husband so much happiness this year. May all your dreams come true xx

I've got to be honest, over the last few months I'd forgotten about this list (a few other things on my mind...) but looking back over it I'm rather pleased at the amount i'd crossed off. In fact a family portrait session and taking a trip to somewhere new with Ben are the only things not achieved, and given the tightening of the budget reigns (for obvious reasons), that last one's hardly surprising. The family portrait sesh? Maybe I'll be as lucky as this lady and find a photographer as good as this dude for one this year.

Mostly, for 2012 we have plans not resolutions (an idea stolen completely from this gal) ...settle into life as a family of three, relax and be happy. We're keeping it simple.

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I seem to be making my way quite steadily through my 10 for 2011 list, and today I’m pretty chuffed to be ticking off another one. A good thing really as we’re now almost halfway through the year. OK, so I should have finished this one months ago (it was started back in January) but knitting and other things got in the way.

I have a bit of a thing for samplers. My Grandma’s house is full of Victorian ones that I’ve always loved and I made numerous ones for her when I was younger. I really wanted one to hang in our own home, to signify our marriage, and I’m really pleased with how it’s turned out. I took aspects from numerous books I’ve found in charity shops over the years and added my own random bits here and there. I love the bright colours against the cloth I tea-stained, and the free Love pattern I found on an awesome site I’ve now lost the link to (darn it).

But the thing I’m most pleased with? It looks as neat on the back as it does on the front. Well, mostly. Something my Grandma will be very proud of.

ps. tune in tomorrow for some exciting news...

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A couple of month’s ago the lovely Lucie contacted me asking if I’d be interested in having Happy Circus stocked in her packed-with-awesomeness French online store, Mèmè Ginette. Of course I jumped at the chance and today she’s launched the booties, hair bows and garlands she ordered. It’s so exciting to see my knitted goodies in such a cool store and I hope they fly off the shelves. A big thank you to Lucie for this brilliant opportunity.

ps. That’s another one to tick off this list.

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Phew, what a weekend! On Saturday we threw my Mum a surprise 50^th birthday party, so the day was spent decorating the venue and getting ready. The evening was the most fun of times. Mum was very surprised and everyone had a great time. There was plenty of boogying, thanks to my rather awesome playlist. Maybe I should have been a DJ.

Then on Sunday we had a BBQ for Mum’s birthday and our first wedding anniversary. Lots of yummy food and the sun even came out for a couple of hours so the boys got to plant their very own potatoes before befriending a few cheeky woodlice. We also got to finally give Mum her birthday present; a week’s holiday in our favourite place in the world. St Ives in Cornwall. We’ve all been going here since we were tiny and didn’t get down there last year because of all the wedding madness, so it’s a long overdue trip. We’re all so excited and are very happy that we can finally start talking about it. Roll on August. Which according to Tyler is “forever away.”

Then yesterday, as the rain poured down and the possibility of any gardening fun was washed away, we headed into town where we bought some rather lovely new pasta bowls and dinner plates and enjoyed some very yummy Thai food for lunch. Followed by some snuggling on the sofa as the rain hammered against the window. Pretty darn perfect actually.

So happy birthday Mum for Sunday. We hope that you had an awesome weekend. You completely deserved all the fun times and presents and the holiday too. Thank you so much for everything you do for us, you always go above and beyond and it’s always so appreciated. We love you lots and can’t wait to be sat on the beach in St Ives with you, eating fish and chips and our body weight in ice cream xx

ps. did you notice I got my hair cut? Shoulder length. That's number 6 ticked off this list!

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A pop of colour for what have been a few rather grey days.
* some colourful bowls in the kitchen
* a bright little basket that hangs in the bathroom, housing some random bits and bobs
* the threads I'm using in the sampler I'm making (check that off the 10 for 2011 list!)
* these eggcups ensure breakfast has never been so happy

Over the last week I’ve been focusing on the colour in my life. When there are so many people around the world clouded by the darkness of grief and destruction it’s time to reflect on how lucky I am in so many ways. From the things we take for granted, like shelter and warmth, food and water, to how blessed I am to feel love everyday from and for my friends, family and most importantly, that boy of mine. Who fills my life with sunshine no matter how dark it is outside.

It’s so easy to be consumed by the small things sometimes and this week, this year, I’m striving to let them slide. To cherish what I have and not be so bothered by the things I want or think I need.

So here’s to the fighters out there, those who have been lost and the heroes that are emerging everyday through the tragedy. You’re in our thoughts. xx

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This week has been both good (Christmas decorating and seeing my Dad’s play) and bad. On Tuesday I tripped up our front door step and busted the knee I dislocated a few years ago. The nurse (yup, I had to see a nurse) gave me a whole bunch of ice packs, bandaged it up for support and told me to rest for 2 days. It’s still feeling pretty crappy but no way was I missing my Christmas meal today so I headed back to work. And it was totally worth it.

So this week, I’m doing something a little different to my usual Friday’s Things to Smile About. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about 2011 and what it might hold. I’ve been inspired by the oh-so-cool Elsie over at A Beautiful Mess and her 28 before 29 birthday list, so have written a list of everything I’d like to try and achieve over the next year. My 10 for 2011. I figure that if I write a nice long list I’m bound to achieve a couple.

Some of these will be easy. Some will take a bit more work (or guts, when it comes to the haircut). But I like to have something to aim for.

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I’m a girl who loves her crafts. This is a well-known fact. But there’s one thing I wish I could do and that’s draw. I’ve recently developed a passion for illustrations and I’ve maybe spent a little too long scrolling through Etsy looking at some awesome prints. My current favourite has got to be Pop Pop Portraits.

Husband dearest if you’re reading this, your wife thinks that a couple’s portrait by the seriously talented Helena would be the most perfect first anniversary gift. Plus it goes rather well with the tradition of receiving paper, don’t you think? I’m letting you know now so you have some time to save the pennies.

Luckily for me, creative juices run throughout my whole family and my sister is one talented sista. These are some of her drawings. They decorated my hen party invites, our cake table notice and of course our wedding invitations. Which were just so so cool. I’ve asked her to draw me something for my Christmas present and I can’t wait to see what she comes up with. Having more artwork around our house is one of my aims for next year. More of which to come next week.

ps. Happy Thanksgiving to all the Yanks out there, including my Papa who’s currently in LA. I hope you all had a lovely lovely day x

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Things to smile about this week:

1. The knitting bag my Grandma made me. Isn’t she clever? It fits everything in perfectly and looks so pretty. I tied this lovely vintage hanky to the handle to finish it off. I’ve been wondering what to do with that for ages.

2. Going out for a family lunch tomorrow. It’s my Dad’s birthday on Sunday so we’re taking him out for pizza. There will also be chocolate cake. Oh yeah.

3. The late afternoon sun shining on the trees. How can that not make you smile?

4. These awesome little mugs I found in the charity shop. For 50p each.

5. Writing two letters and sending one mammoth email as part of my pre-New Year resolution. Go me.

Has anyone else noticed the number of posts appearing in the blogosphere featuring inspiring sayings or mottos over the last week or so? Maybe it’s got something to do with the New Year fast approaching, and dreams and resolutions for 2011 being formed.

I’m normally not good at sticking to resolutions. For as long as I can remember I’ve had one and only one. Stop biting my nails. Well this year I did it. Full on stopped. I think the thought of gnawed nails at my wedding was the driving force. Not really a good bridal look. They’re not crazy long or anything, but there’s white at the ends. This is new for me.

Around April time I formed another resolution (yeah OK it was a bit late, but it’s the thought that counts). I decided that I needed to make more of a concerted effort to keep in touch with people. We have friends all over the place and sometimes the weeks of not speaking or emailing turn into months and before you know it it’s been a few years since you last saw each other. My hen weekend and our wedding meant we saw all our favourite people lots, which was the most awesome thing, so ever since I’ve been trying to keep up with keeping in touch. Even the odd text message is better than nothing, right? But the last couple of months have been and gone with not much writing at all. It appears my fingers have been too busy knitting and blogging. This has to change and I vow to write one catch-up letter/email a week. This is my pre-New Year resolution.

My Grandma is the queen of snail mail and has drawers stocked with writing sets and notelets, ready to send out. Just like this one. They are always pretty and say beautiful things. I have stacks of notes from her that I cherish and I plan to follow her lead.