Right now I feel that time is all consuming. The time we have left has a family of three, the time spent eagerly awaiting our new addition. The question of how much time birthing this little one will take, and how easily time will pass with two children. Savouring the time with Josephine and willing time to go faster so we get to meet Baby. Not knowing what time will bring. A boy? A girl? An easier breastfeeding journey? A reluctant sleeper like Josephine?
Over the last four months time has moved in the strangest of ways. Feeling both simultaneously fast and slow. This pregnancy has zipped by quicker than I ever imagined it would, and it's so strange and surreal that we're already at our due date.
And all the time, the days and months that we've been without my Dad have stacked up. I've been told that time is a healer, but I feel there is so long to go until that is true. I miss him more every day and, right now, I'm finding it all so hard to be without him. Perhaps it's the impending arrival of a grandchild he'll never meet - the knowing that I won't be able to introduce this little one to their amazing Grandpa; that i'll never have a picture of them together.
It's the strangest mix of emotions. The pure joy and excitement at the prospect of having another baby, of bringing something so amazing into the world, paired with the devastation of knowing the same world is without someone who bought so much love and laughter.
Tonight, this weekend, I know I need to let the idea of time go; to give into the notion of 'what will be will be' and to just surrender. This baby, as with all babies, will come when it's ready; who knows what time will bring.
Last weekend we went to my Dad and his girlfriend, Dee's, house, where me, my brother and sister looked through more of my Dad's treasures. Dee had found his collection of vintage watches and we each chose one to keep and wear. There is something so comforting in wearing the watch he wore; of looking at it so many times a day and remembering him whenever I do. And, as time ticks on, I'm reminded of the beautiful times and adventures we spent together as well as the time we have been without him and the time yet to come where he will not be here with us in person but, always and forever, with us in spirit.
Oh, what a beautiful post Nell.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings so eloquently put.
I hope these next few days are lovely, and all goes well.
I can't wait to hear your news! xx
What an amazing treasure to be able to wear on your wrist each day! I've come to learn that 'surrender' is really what life is all about. Surrender to each moment and try to just live in the moment (as apposed to always trying to live ahead of it, like I tend to want to do).. xx
ReplyDeleteI've loved following your journey with Josephine and in that time have had my little one. I look forward to hearing all about your next adventures as a mother of two. It is true it is best not to plan, my baby was born in a helicopter so really you never know what can happen! I've also been so moved (sorry I so think that's he right word) by your grieving process. I'm sure your Dad would be so proud of how you haw handled everything thrown at you. In my experience time isn't so much a healer but in time allows you to come to terms with how you feel about your loss and strange as it sounds that did help me. I'm sure you have found amazing strength from your loved ones around you and now you will have a new little bundle to help make you even stronger. Ella x
ReplyDeleteThank you Ella, your words mean a lot. Xx
DeleteThat watch is just beautiful, Nell. What a lovely item to treasure. As you will the baby. And when it's born, perhaps some of your immense sadness will be replaced by joy. Grief won't be forgotten, but perhaps it will be swamped by something else, something far more enjoyable? I hope so for you, anyway. Kellie xx
ReplyDeletePS Did I tell you my labour was only about 4.5 hours? And Clancy is already proving tricky to put to sleep .... he's only one week old, wtf?! But the beauty of the second child (for me, anyway), is that I feel so much calmer - it's a phase and it'll end .... one day, in the grand scheme of things it's all so shortlived. I'll be praying for the breastfeeding for you - hope you can get some wise people on your side to help you.
Always such lovely words Kellie, always so appreciated xxxx
DeleteBeautiful words, Nell. As always. You're so lovely. Looking forward to some baby news soon! With our love xx
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