Friendship. It’s pretty rare to find the real deal. I am lucky enough to be married to my best buddy, have my favourite girlfriend in the world, Em, in the next town and my awesome sister just around the corner. My other lovely friends all live hours away. No impromptu lunches or Saturday morning shopping for us. And I miss that. Recently I’ve been feeling a bit blue about my friend status. So how, when you’re 26, do you meet new friends? People you can connect to, have something in common with, share life’s adventures? Last year I enrolled in a sewing class at my local college in the hope of meeting a few fellow creative people. No such luck. At work I have a laugh with lots of funny ladies, but no-one I would ever meet outside working hours.
I’ve met some awesome gals thanks to this little blog. People I really think I could be good friends with. And often I feel a teeny pang of jealousy when I see some of you getting together, meeting for coffee. That’s what the New Year can do. It can make you think about what you’d like to change in your life, make more of an effort with or maybe what you’re missing.
Last night B and I watched I Love You, Man. It was pretty funny and followed the premise of a 30 something guy who realises he had no real friends when he was faced with the problem of choosing his best man. So he sets about finding some. Ok, so it was all done in a very movie-land way, but it got me thinking.
A couple of years ago I cut a few “friends” out of my life. Ever done that? Man, it’s hard. These were girls who I’d hung around with since senior school but as we all changed and moved on the realisation of how I shared nothing with these girls dawned on me. In fact, in many ways, these were the type of people I now avoid. And so I didn’t invite them to our wedding. That’ll do it for you. Sever the ties. And you know what? I feel so much better for it. Now my friends are all super duper people. Ones I love spending time with. But I just wish one of them lived in my town.
I think the best blogs are those that are honest and share their feelings. And this topic is one I’ve been thinking about a lot of the last few days. Still. I’m sorry if this post has bummed you out. It kinda has me.
The best blogs are definitely the honest ones. Good for you to share this type of post. I have very, very similar feelings. Two of my dearest friends live overseas and my other close mates also have babies. Pre baby I thought lots of carefree, casual catch ups would happen but in all reality it is more a case of a quick play at the park when their awake time coincides. One of my 'things' for 2011 is to put myself out there more and make a few connections with new, interesting people. Good luck sweet lady xx
ReplyDeletei've been thinking about this lots lately as well!
ReplyDeleteIn the last few weeks i've been wondering how i could meet some new people and thinking about some of my current friends.
last year was a tough one where a couple of friends were crossed off the friend list. it wasn't a hard decision by the end, it was a pretty toxic situation so i am definitely thankful for the good people in my life. but i would love to meet some new people and i'm a tad stuck as well. courses seem like a good start but i haven't had a huge amount of success either. guess we just have to keep trying though!
oh honey child am I right there with you. since moving to our new town it's been so tough to make SOLID REAL friendships...and it makes both my hubby and I long to move back to Phoenix where we had lots of people we loved, and loved us back.
ReplyDeleteBut, something tells me that it will all work out. Friendships don't happen overnight anyway. Right?
I completely understand. I did the same thing a few years back...cutting some people out. I think it was best for all parties and allowed me to focus my attention on the few real friendships I had. Like you, I've been much happier. Doing that also allowed me to have the room to open the doors to new friendships. And the new friendships will come. Just keep doing the things you love to do and going to the places you love to go, and it will happen.
ReplyDeletexox
I now exactly how you feel! I often feel like I have only have a few really good friends (and even these friends aren't soul mates). I long for a big group (a la Friends the tv show), but I'm not sure that those sorts of friendships really exist. All of my close friends don't really know each other, so it often seems I'm only ever with one friend at a time. I also don't really have an awesome bosom buddy that I can really talk to and count on to listen. Much like you, my best friend in the world is my partner and for him I am so grateful. But it sure would be nice to have a super close girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand. There is nothing like putting together a wedding invite list to work out who your real friends are. I have always thought that weddings make or break friendships. That certainly happened with me with a school friend I have known for over 20 years. We are not really in contact anymore. I think it makes you realise - it certainly did for me - that as you get older you don't have time or energy to waste on people that don't deserve it. Anyway - that aside, it's a wonderful thing to have a small circle of close friends. My husband is my best buddy too :)
ReplyDeleteLately I've been thinking a lot about this. I get some commenters and followers who leave one comment and ask me to follow or comment on their blog. When I follow a blog I invest in reading, getting to know, and forming relationships with the poster. I really hate when a blogger goes around commenting and following anyone and everyone just so they can have 1,000 of followers who leave generic, one time comments on their blog. I'd rather have 20 followers and regular commenters (whom I also follow and comment) then 1,000 randoms that mean nothing to me and spamming comments just to gain exposure.
ReplyDeleteI've cut a few friends IRL out of my life after the wedding too. Dynamics of relationships change so much when you get married! I feel ya girl!
I don't have any real close friends. After high school and getting married and having kids you just don't have much in common, although I think fondly on those I still consider very dear it isn't the same anymore. I feel the exact same way, I love my husband but sometimes you just need a girl to share things with, kinda like the 4 girls from sex and the city PLUS the fact that I must suck at picking friends as I make them and I always have to initiate and maintain the contact. It is hard to accept but most people don't make time for friends anymore :(
ReplyDeleteQuality over Quantity I say.
ReplyDeleteFew GREAT friends are much better than heaps of Not so great friends.
I dont have heaps and heaps of friends either. But I sure do value the ones I do have.
xxx
Great post lady, it got me thinking.... Real friends are so precious... I remember when i was in business school, I had a gazillion friends and then now 7 years later (gosh am I old or what ?) I only kept in touch with 1 from that time, but she's awesome... I do wish my friends were closer though, especially when I had my baby, 4 of my friends back in Europe had a kiddo around the same time and I really missed being with them to be able to go through it together...
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug xx
beautifully said Nell :) So glad you found your other half, your best friend to spend the rest of your life with!
ReplyDeleteCrazy how life changes...how our desires, passions, and even personalities change. It's the true friends that stick with us through our maturing and growing stages. "Cutting friends out" is hard...very hard... I'm glad you did it, and you feel better! You know you have it good when you surround yourself with people that build you up :)
I'm glad you brought this up, because it's something I think about a lot as I try to hold onto the few close friends I have. I've had to break up with friends too, and like any break up, it's sad.
ReplyDeleteI've had the pleasure of meeting a few ladies online, and a couple in my new adopted city, but other than that I use email and the phone a lot to keep in touch.
Hang in there, I'm sure more friends will come your way!
I always feel like I'm the only one who feels this way but after reading your posts and the other ladies' comments, I realise I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteI've cut a few friends over time and I also have some amazing friends who are scattered not just over the country but over the world. I've tried taking short courses but only met retired married couples :/
It's lovely to be married to your best friend. Rob and I are great mates, sometimes I feel guilty that I don't make enough of an effort with other friends. Over the last year I have made a new close friend, it is nice to be able to do the girly chat with someone, I thought I may have forgotten how!
ReplyDeletei could have wrote this post. I feel like we are kindred spirits lady and just wish we were closer and could actually hang out. until then we can continue chatting via our blogs and sharing honest posts, looking at the comments you are certainly not alone. x
ReplyDeleteWow look at these long comments. I'll be your friend, can I be your friend? I live in a foreign country and I have an 8 month old baby. It's hard to make friends. Today I basically stalked this woman that I once asked where she had bought her shoes (I was trying to pick her up). She seemed super nice, but I couldn't exactly end the conversation with 'so, can I see you again?'
ReplyDeleteI saw her again today but this time she was with her little daughter! She's a mum too! I think we are soul mates. I'll post about her once I get her number.
What a wonderful, thought-provoking post. I'll admit, it's not easy to move across the country by yourself (which I did 2 1/2 years ago when I started my Masters program), and I was convinced that the best thing to do would be not to make any more friends. Crazy, right? Of course, I made a very dear friend who moved to LA just 6 months ago, and it's been really difficult. As amazing as my friends are (and really, those girls deserve a medal), they live in faraway cities, and it's hard not to be able to just head to their apartment in your jammies when you've had an argument or want to watch trashy tv. One of my hopes for this year (calling it a goal seems a bit aggressive) is to make a few good friends who live nearby, so when the urge to snack on chocolate cake and gossip comes up, I have someone to do it with!
ReplyDeleteI was just being sad today about friends. I think I just had this huge high and such a blast seeing all of my bests' when i was in the US and now I'm here :( It's not the same.
ReplyDeleteAw Nell, hope you're doing ok! I think in this day and age more than ever friends can be very dispersed, due to work, travel etc. But also they come in many different forms, and the blog world is one of them. Know what you mean though about sometimes wanting tangible friends on your doorstep to do stuff with rather than internet buddies or good friends living elsewhere, when I first moved back to London post uni not many of my friends had moved her yet and the week could get very lonely. Good luck on the hunt for more local buddies, and I will look you up if I ever move to Bath :)
ReplyDeleteOh Nell, dont be bummed. I think it's quality not quantity and being married to your best friend is pretty damn special. If you ever find your sweet self (and that best buddy of yours) over this side of Europe then you must stay with us! xx
ReplyDeletei blogged on this exact topic a month ago. http://discoverystreet.blogspot.com/2010/12/on-making-friends-as-adult.html
ReplyDeletedon't give up...keep putting yourself out there. that's what i'm doing!
Nell, I feel the same way and Jeff and I only moved a few states away from our friends and family. Jeff is introverted and doesn't really have anyone at work his age and I'm not even in school or working anywhere yet. I've made a couple of friends through church who I have coffee with every now and then, but no one I can just get together with so we can spend time together doing nothing. My friends like that are all in a different state. I guess it takes a while to make new friends, but after six months of living in Savannah, sometimes I start thinking I'll never make new close friends. I'm glad I'm not the only one, but I'm sorry you have to be feeling that way too! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel! For most of the time that I've lived in Sydney I've felt like I have no friends. And it's really difficult to make friends in a new city when you're an adult. I also joined a sewing class, and while I did learn to sew, I didn't make any friends (everyone was significantly older than me). It's only in the last few months that i've begun to feel like i have a group of friends separate from my husband's, but it's taken many baby steps to get there.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also had to cut off some friends by not inviting them to my wedding. It was hard, but at some point you just have to stop pretending that a friendship still exists when you have clearly grown apart. xx
Nell, thanks for being honest and bringing this issue up. Clearly, you are not alone in those feelings and I too feel the same way. I moved to Paris 4 years ago and it took me 2 years to settle in and make friends. My besties live abroad and it is hard not to have them around, especially now wih my little bubba around. I got to meet so many people in Paris after 4 years but my true friend, I can count them on one hand (it's a French saying which is so true les véritables amis se comptent sur les doigts d'une main . xx
ReplyDeleteps: I hope we can meet up if ever you come to visit Paris. I'll definitely get in touch with you the day I visit Bath! xxx
ReplyDelete