PARK LIFE: the promise of spring

 

Sunday afternoons are often filled with walks in the park with Nanny and Auntie Dora, and with a break in the rain and some clear skies, there's nothing better for a certain two year old than to run around, stamp in puddles and explore the bridges and secret pathways of the Botanical Gardens. 

With the little crocus and snowdrops peeping out through the fallen leaves, the promise of spring is something I'm welcoming with open arms. I long for a warm sun and some heat on my back, little naked legs and cotton dresses rather than waterproofs and welly boots. 

NEW CHAPTER, SAME STORY

It's now been more than six weeks since we lost our beautiful Dad, and more than two since his funeral. To say that time has been surreal is an understatement, and I feel as though most of it has been spent shrouded in thick fog. Some parts seem like only yesterday, and others seem like years ago already. I can't help but go through how I found out again and again in my head, and before I go to bed at night my heart leaps into my mouth as I turn my phone onto silent never again wanting to experience that dreaded early morning call that will change your life forever. 

My sister and I have both started writing journals to help us work through the crazy mix of emotions you feel when you loose someone so beloved, so suddenly. Dora has been writing down happy memories, but at the moment, I'm finding my journal is a place I can scream into. To write to my Dad about how much I'm hurting and how much I miss and love him. I know the happy memories will follow, but the therapy it's giving me to get all that pain out of my head and onto the page is incomparable. Days can pass when I don't write a thing, and on others I can write numerous entries, each just sentences long.

I'm not really sure how much I want to write here, about it all. This blog has always been a happy space, somewhere we can look back through in months and years to come, to remember the little things that make us smile everyday. And in all honesty, I want to keep it that way. To keep it somewhere I can escape to. Where I can talk about the hilarious things Josephine's been up to, the cute clothes she's wearing and the fun adventures we've been on without side notes of bad days and tears. Hanging over everything in our lives is the deepest sadness, the knowing that someone amazing has been taken from us, so to have a space where I can focus on the happy and positive and frivolous seems like a blessing.

My Dad's dear friend George, who lost his own Dad when he was not too much older than me, summed up this strange new beginning we're all experiencing as 'A new chapter of the same story'. That despite the fact we're all having to pick ourselves up and start again, Dad will always be with us, a huge and important part of everything that happens in the future, as he was in the past; never ever forgotten. I've been thinking about that so much. That, even though he's not here anymore, he's playing a part in all our decisions and is part of us all. WWD/JD (What Would Dad/Joe Do) has become the family's motto in the last few weeks, and it's a comfort to us all to think of the advice and support he'd be giving us if he were here...another of George's suggestions :)

The support Ben has given me over these weeks has been indescribable. And I am more thankful than ever for our babies. Josephine is truly the happiest distraction, so like my Dad in so many ways and able to make me laugh through my tears like nothing else. She talks about 'Grandpa' without prompting and I find myself being able to tell her funny stories and tell her how much we all love him with pride and happiness in my voice, rather than sadness and longing. How much she loves him is both heartbreaking and heart-mending, all at the same time. The adventures they should have shared and will no longer be able to is one of the hardest things for me to think about. But we talk about him everyday. And our newest song to sing on car journeys is one we used to sing with my Dad when we were kids. Whenever I sing it I'm sure he's there with us, smiling away. And our tiny baby has kept me thinking about how many glorious things we have in our lives, and how many more there are to look forward to. About how there are so many things to be grateful for, despite everything.

My Dad is with me in everything that I do, and knowing that has allowed me to get up each morning and carry on. To still smile and laugh and be happy. To make plans for our future, to ensure we carry on his motto of living life to the full and grabbing every opportunity with both hands. To have fun. And that's what this blog will continue to be about, as it always has. To honour my wonderful, incredible, inspiring Papa.

I've missed writing here properly. I really feel this space has become part of me over the last few years, giving me the opportunity to continue writing, and the reason to keep on taking photographs when my camera could easily just sit in it's case on the table. I can't wait to be back more, my little corner of the internet to escape into. Thank you for sticking with me and for all your support. Your words both here, on Facebook and on Instagram have made me smile and cry and have offered so much comfort. Much love to you all xxx

6/52

"A portrait of Josephine, once a week every week in 2014".

Girly giggles with my cousin's little girl, Kacie, and my cousin, Matilda. Josephine and I visit my grandparent's house for lunch and playtime every Thursday with these two pickles and their Mama's, and Josephine loves their time together. It's awesome to see the next generation growing up together as me and my siblings, my cousins and my auntie did. And, with my cousin expecting her second just 8 days after us, it won't be long before there are five cheeky monkeys taking over!

Taking part in Jodi's 52 Project.

TWO

On January 18, our girl turned two. Despite everything, we decided to go ahead and have a little party for her. It felt right to have all our family and friends together, and my Dad wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

I can hardly believe Josephine is already 'two years old' as she'll happily tell everyone. It seems only yesterday we bought her home, so tiny and new. And now here we are, getting ready to bring home another addition to our little family.

Josephine, our beautiful girl, we are so proud to call you our daughter. You light up the world around you, even at the darkest of times, and you bring happiness when it feels like there is none to be found. You are funny, so so funny, and clever, and you astound me hundred times a day.

You are such a copy-cat right now. Always saying and doing the same as those around you. Yesterday morning, as we cleaned our teeth, you stood at the sink holding back your hair as I do. The sweetness slays me.

You're asking what, why, where and how questions all. day. long.

"What you doing?"
"Where you going?"
"What you seeing?"
"How you feeling?"

And, over these last few weeks, you ask me with your little head tilted to one side, "you sad Mama?" When I answer yes, you give the best cuddles. Squeezing with all your might. So much love to give.

Right now we wonder if you'll be a engineer or architect. You love nothing more than playing with a calculator, building towers and cars with Duplo and if we drive through a tunnel it makes your day. In fact we've spent many a journey then pretending to drive through more tunnels. But then again, maybe an astronaut. You love to look at the moon, so much, even braving the icy air when Daddy puts the bins out at night, to see a glimpse of it.

You want 'dancing' (music) on all the time, and watching you rock out in your chair at the table while you eat is amazing. You close your eyes and let the music take you.

You're so excited about becoming a big sister. Always talking to Baby and wanting to feel it move. Asking to do this and that with it when it arrives; pushing it on the swing being the thing you seem most excited about.

You're the bravest kiddo I know, the most beautiful and the kindest. We learn more about you and the person you're becoming everyday, and we learn more about how to be better people from you.

Happiest of birthdays Josephine, may your year be filled with the best adventures. We adore you, love Mama and Daddy xxx

5/52

"A portrait of Josephine, once a week every week in 2014".

Josephine with Tyler, her oldest cousin. She's never more than a few inches from him when they're together. And he is the sweetest seven year old, never tiring of playing games with her and always willing to hold her hand. She thinks he's pretty cool...and with those orange Chucks, she's absolutely right. 

Taking part in Jodi's 52 Project.

27 WEEKS

As events unfold and time passes, the bump gets rounder. The baby grows, and kicks inside me become tummy wobbling punches. Dealing with death as I grow new life. I feel a connection between this baby and my wonderful Papa, so deep. When I get upset, the movement in my belly is stronger than ever. Reassuring me that there are such good things amongst the truly the horrid. That the best of times will emerge from the worst.

Keep growing strong little one, we can't wait to meet you. And know that your Grandpa is forever looking over you and your big sister, smiling down at you and us all xx

4/52

"A portrait of Josephine, once a week every week in 2014".

After my beautiful Dad's funeral on Friday, we got to spend some time with one of his best friends, George, who came over from America to be with us for the service. Despite hearing lots about him, we'd never actually met George, with my Dad normally meeting him in other countries around the world, so to spend time with him and hear all his stories about our Dad was truly wonderful, and so appreciated. There were so many laughs, and he made the weekend so much easier for us all. I have no doubt my Dad was there with us, so happy to see us all getting on so well. Thank you George, you are truly one of the family now. 

ps. so windswept that day!

Taking part in Jodi's 52 Project.

3/52

"A portrait of Josephine, once a week every week in 2014".

My sister, Dora, and Josephine. These two have such fun together. And in the toughest of times, laughter is the best medicine. 

Taking part in Jodi's 52 Project.

1/52 + 2/52

A few months back, I had wondered how I would continue The 52 Project in the new year. Knowing I wanted to, especially with Baby on its way, but pondering over a different angle to 2013's photographs. I quickly realised that so many times during the year, I had beautiful portraits of Josephine with the most special people in our lives that I had felt unable to use, and that maybe this would offer the opportunity to pull out the camera and capture the wondrous relationships Phiney has with so many people; friends and family, young and old. 

Over these past weeks, I have looked so many times at these photographs, so thankful for the wisdom to grab my camera and start snapping away at what I knew were such special moments between a Grandpa and his Granddaughter, while never knowing just how special. Today, these photographs mean the world to me and they will be cherished forever. 

I want photographs like this of all the fantastic people that make Josephine's life so awesome, and 2014's 52 Project seems like the ideal opportunity to keep it up, keep on clicking away, and keep on capturing the magic. 

"A portrait of Josephine, once a week every week in 2014".

1/52: My loves. The strength these two have given me over the last few weeks has been astonishing. I couldn't have made it this far without them. And to have the honour of watching their love and friendship grow, day by day, is more beautiful now than ever before. I know the happiness of being a Daddy's girl, and I can see it in Josephine's eyes too. Sunday mornings in bed are our favourite time of the week. 

2/52: Hanging out with two of her best boys, Ari and Oliver, at Ari's second birthday party on Sunday. They've known each other practically their whole lives, and are so happy when they're together. What more do you need than good friends, a stairgate to hang off and a raspberry blowing session when you're two years old?

Taking part in Jodi's 52 Project.

ps. thank you all for the sweet messages and emails over these hardest of days. Your words mean so much, as always. xx

52/52

"A portrait of Josephine, once a week every week in 2013".

Unwrapping treasures from Father Christmas on Christmas morning. She walked into the living room when she got up and froze with delight as she laid her eyes on her stack of presents. 

Unintentionally the last portrait was taken in the same place as the first. What a difference a year makes. 

Taking part in Jodi's 52 Project.