MAMA

Over the last month or so, I've seen the topic of us Mama's including ourselves in our family photos crop up here and there - on my favourite blogs and IG accounts, and it's certainly something that resonates with me.

As the photographer of the family, I'm even less likely to be the one in front of the camera, but more and more I'm making sure I take the time to pass the camera to someone else and ask them to take a picture of me too. We've even started to ask strangers and passers by to take our photo when we're out and about. I think the pictures of all four of us together will be the ones we cherish the most in years to come.

I know that sometimes it's easier to be the ones taking the photos; I certainly feel that sometimes the bags under my eyes are just too big and dark, my clothes aren't particularly nice or I'm generally feeling a bit chubby round the edges, but it really and honestly doesn't matter. When I'm old and grey I know I'm going to look back on those captures and wonder what on earth I was so worried about, and I don't want to regret not getting in on my of the family photo action.

And, you know what, maybe it will make me get out of those boring everyday clothes I routinely put on, and throw on that nice top I've been 'saving' (for what?!) instead. Sometimes (most of the time) I need to remind myself that taking 5 minutes longer for ME is just as important as getting the girls dressed and making sure the bag has everything we need in. This is just the excuse I need.

Last summer, I posted a picture of my beautiful little family on the beach in our favourite place in the world; St Ives. Coralie was two months old, I still carrying quite a bit of baby weight and my boobs were HUGE from feeding a tiny newborn. It took quite a bit of courage for me to post that picture, put it out there, but I'm so glad I did. I'm so glad to be part of the visual side of this journal; not just the voice behind the words and the person behind the camera. Josephine has that picture hanging on her wall and talks about it all the time. She doesn't see any of my insecurity or softness or post-pregnancy self-confidence issues; she sees her Mama happy and smiling, cuddling her, as I will always do whenever she lets me or wants me to (and even when she doesn't) and loving her, and being there on all our family adventures.

So this is my new mission. Every day trip, every family party, every afternoon spent in the garden, I need to hand over the camera and get in the shot. I know I won't regret it.

A few Mamas who are inspiring me in this quest right now?
Naomi at Love Taza
Courtney Adamo on IG
James at Bleubird
Keri-Anne at Gingerlilly Tea
Kellie at Dear Olive

^^^

Over the last few weeks, as we've followed a slow and gentle pace of life round these parts, I've felt the haze of the last year really start to lift. I've written before of how last year was a period of quiet and healing and I feel as though, as March begins and spring is creeping in, I'm finding my rhythm again. Little things like doing the housework (which, lets face it, is always the first thing to get ignored!) are finally getting done and the more I clean and tidy the more I want to go that one step further and really sort out this little house of ours.

Three days after I had Coralie I turned 30, and in the midst of grief and late pregnancy, birth and those newborn days, the rite of passage that often comes with this 'milestone' got overlooked, lost in the craziness. I'm not really talking about the age thing, as such, more of the realisation of hitting that period in your life where you're meant to understand yourself more; what you like and dislike, your tastes, your style, what you really want from your time here.

I am so thankful, and so blessed, to turn thirty married to my boy and with two beautiful, healthy children. To live in a sweet little flat in a sweet part of town. To be able to stay at home with our babies, as I always wanted, to have good food on the table and warm (pretty!) clothes on our backs. And, to be at the beginning of what I hope will be a successful future in photography and my own business.

At the top of my to-do list for weeks now has been contacting some local magazines with the hope of getting my business promoted - getting my name out there. But, something's holding me back. I've sat at the laptop at naptime or in the evening and found myself blogging (or getting lost in Pinterest) rather than type that simple email.

I've never really dealt with a lack of self-confidence. I've always been sure of what I wanted, pretty much always gone and got it, and had the guts to put myself out there - perhaps it's a being the eldest thing. But with this new venture I'm still wondering if I'm good enough, and it's stopping me in my tracks. The feedback I've been getting from families and from all of you has been so encouraging and amazing, but still I doubt myself. And it's got me thinking about influences in my life and the effect they're having.

And by influences I mean the world of all things online. Things that were once inspiring have started stunting my own imagination and confidence, I think. I often spend my time online envying so many things; people's houses or belongings, clothes, figures, lifestyles, talents. Wishing I had more money to spend on this and that. Wishing I could redecorate our own home in this style, then the next day in that style. It's information overload in my head right now and I am taking a stand to simplify.

My friend Lou has made the word Bloom her motivation for this year, and I think she's chosen so well. What a positive, beautiful, encouraging idea, and I've been thinking a lot about it recently. I want to bloom this year, to find my feet and find the confidence again to be more myself. I think that can sometimes get lost in the midst of all things Mamahood.

I'm going to write more about this (I've loved posting something beyond what we've been up to - I've missed finding the time to sit, think and write about the bigger picture) more, about how I'm going to apply it to all aspects of my life. Starting with a social media cull, I've stopped following shops on IG. Sure their beautiful pieces are lovely to look at, but ultimately I end up feeling down about the fact I can't afford those things. It's the same with lifestyle feeds and following so many Pinterest boards. I'm sticking with the couple I love and deleting the rest. It's just not something I need in my life right now.

I feel like I've got the time now to think about what I like and want, and with everything that's happened in the last 14 months I know that's not about possessions and money; it's about life and seizing it for myself and my family. About appreciating what I have now, not feeling sad about what I don't and can't have.

This week I'm going to write those emails, and I hope I find the confidence to press send and put myself out there. I'll keep you informed...

[Photo by the wonderful Tori Hancock. Oh, I can't wait for summertime and sandals and floral skirts...]