This seems a fitting way to end the year; to write you and Coralie each a letter. I think this will be the beginning of a new tradition for me. A place to reflect on how much you've grown and on all the wonderful things you've done this year. And the end of 2014 seems to be a good time to start such a tradition, it being the biggest year of both our lives in so many ways.
The beginning of this year was so hard my darling, so so hard. When your beautiful Grandpa died on December 27, 2013, our hearts broke. You weren't even two, yet you sensed something was wrong, that something had changed forever. I'm sure in the years to come we'll talk about those first days, and this first year, after Grandpa left this world. You'd never seen me cry before and yet you weren't scared or worried, just sweet and concerned and so kind. Always so kind.
I will forever be thankful for your kindness, my darling girl. And one day, when you're older, I'll thank you properly. Because I will carry the words you asked me, and still ask me, almost everyday in my heart always. 'How you feeling, Mama?' Never prompted or forced, always genuine and quiet and soft. And always followed with the biggest cuddles, kisses and 'Love you, Mama.'
We talk about Grandpa everyday, happy memories of fun times you two shared, and stories of the fun I had with him before you were born, when I was small. I know we'll talk about him always, and it heals my heart to do so; with you especially. You two had a special bond that was only going to grow into the most wonderful friendship. I think my Daddy had found his calling being your Grandpa; it was a role he took to so easily. And, after missing out on spending so much time with him when I was small, I was so excited to be able to be part of the relationship you two would have. It is the saddest thing that you won't get to share those adventures, make stories of your own together, play and laugh like I thought you would; like you should have. I cry about that so often.
We talk right now about how Grandpa is in a very special place, a wonderful happy place, but a place where we can't go. That he will always hear us if we want to talk to him; he will always catch the kisses we blow to him, and that when we look at the stars and the moon, we should take comfort in the knowledge that he is looking down on all of us, and that he will always protect you.
And keep singing this little song, like you do right now. I will always sing it with you, whenever we see the moon. And I know you'll teach it to Coralie as she grows.
“I see the moon, the moon
sees me. The moon sees the somebody I long to see.
I love the moon, the moon
loves me. The moon loves the somebody I long to see.”
Of course, 2014
has also bought us the most wonderful gift. Your little sister. Oh,
how you love her! While my tummy got bigger and bigger, you were so
excited to get ever closer to meeting your new little brother or
sister; helping me sort the baby clothes was one of your favourite
past times, and we must have gone through those tiny pieces nearly
every day. You were sure she was a boy, and when you came in to meet
her, and I told you she was a girl, for a moment I could see the
disappointment in your face. Then Coralie sighed and she reached out
her little hand, and I saw you fall in love. In that tiny moment, I
saw the awe in your eyes. It is a moment I will remember forever.
Always wanting to
hold her, cuddle her, kiss her. Your 'little one', your 'darling'.
You are the best big sister Josephine, and Coralie adores you. It's
clear to us all. You can make her chuckle like no-one else and her
eyes light up the moment she sees you. They have from that very first
meeting.
You have grown so
much this year Phiney. In every way. You're so big and strong and you
love doing your press ups, when Daddy does his. You can run so fast
and so far, and you have energy that is boundless.
You speak
beautifully. And say the most wonderful, hilarious, clever, honest
things. I write them down on a piece of paper in the kitchen draw and
will record them here, in our journal, one day soon. Daddy and I
don't ever want to forget them.
Every night we
put your bottle in your bed, with one of your 'guys' pretending to
drink it, for you to find when you get out of the bath. You laugh
every time.
I think, if I let
you, you'd eat a whole punnit of cherry tomatoes or a whole packet of
malt loaf every day.
You ask when we're going on holiday again at least five times a week. I think beside the sea, on the beach is your favourite place in the world. And I think you'd happily invite your best friend, Oliver, to live forever in your bedroom so you two can always play games. You talk about him constantly.
Our beautiful
Josephine, you are the most spirited little girl. You're stubborn and
strong-willed, yet kind and generous and thoughtful and so sweet. And
you're completely crackers, which I adore. My little fruitcake.
Yes, this year
has been such a big one for you. And you've handled it all
magnificently my darling. What wonderful adventures await you next
year. What lessons you have to learn, and what lessons you will teach
me along the way.
Merry Christmas
little one, and may the New Year bring you only the most magical and
happy of times.
I am so proud of
you; so proud to be your Mama.
I love you, forever and always xxxx
You have done such an incredible job Nell and Ben. She is totally delicious. So goofy, funny and sweet. And Coralie is going to be exactly the same. She's already so fun and always happy. Love them stupendous amounts!! Xxxx
ReplyDeleteAww this made me cry - how lucky these beautiful girls are to have such an awesome mama xxxx
ReplyDeleteOh Nell this is beautiful! You're a very inspiring Muma. Merry Christmas to you all x
ReplyDeleteThis is the sweetest. Thank you so much for sharing. xo
ReplyDeletep.s. My grandma used to sing that song to us, and now I sing it to my boys. It's my little one's favorite.
What beautiful letters to your daughters...you have such a good heart...thank you for sharing. <3
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of writing your children a letter at the end of each year/beginning of a new one. I may have to borrow that Nell you genius you! Such beautiful pictures of J, some of my faves of yours and also such lovely lovely words as always. Sending so much love and light your way for 2015. xxx
ReplyDelete