THE HAZE

So here we are.

Last Friday I finished the 13 week full time freelance job I had landed, and let me tell you it's been a crazy 13 weeks. 13 weeks that have seen the fun of Cornish summer holidays fall away and turn into an autumnal chill and the magic of Christmas. 13 weeks of fitting being a full time Mama around working a full time job at home. 13 weeks of pregnancy, complete with morning sickness far worse than I experienced with Josephine and the worry and anticipation those first weeks bring.

But here we are. I made it through. We all made it through. And I'm proud of us all. I'm more proud than ever to call my boy My Husband. To be blessed enough to have him believe in me, encourage and support me and to hold my hand when I stumble. For ignoring the mess our home has slowly become and for still sitting next to me evening after evening as I boringly worked away in silence. We're so proud of our beautiful girl, who has proved herself to be a total star over the last three months; making the transition from having Mama to play with and read with and sit with all day everyday if she wanted, to having to occupy herself even when she didn't really want to without too much trouble. Without her being as awesome has she has been, I don't think I would have ever got through it. And of course, our little bean, for growing stronger every day. These three. My heart beats for them.

But you know what, mostly I'm proud of myself. To say the last three months have been hard is a bit of an understatement. The first trimester of pregnancy is tough on nearly every woman, especially those of use who get to revel in the delights of morning sickness, but I made it through and here we are. 18 weeks down, a little rounded tummy, a growing baby. The haze is lifting and I feel like I'm back with it. To all those Mama's who work full time jobs and have little ones waiting at home or nursery for them, I commend you. I found it so hard to divide my time between work and caring for Josephine. Always feeling like I had one eye on the time, my to-do list or my emails when I was with her. Never being able to give her my undivided attention. The days she happily played and made up some amazing game or another were that little easier. But on deadline days, as she'd pull on my hand desperate for me to dance or have a picnic with her, my heart broke a little as I told her I couldn't. But I made it through.

Despite the long days and sleepless nights, I've come out of these weeks with a new belief in myself; as a mother and as a woman. And four real positives...

For one, we now have a savings account. With actual money in. For the first time in years. We can plan for future adventures and rest assured that if we need it, emergency funds are at the click of a button. Plus the car's MOT and tax have been paid for, Christmas presents are all sorted and we're all cherishing the little rare treats we've allowed ourselves.

I've also proved to myself that, despite not working for almost two years, I still have a brain that works pretty darn well (I've wondered if that was the case at regular intervals since Josephine was born!) I'm ready to throw myself into a new, very exciting venture with a revitalised work ethic and understanding of what I need to do to make it a success; the time I need to put in and the fact that I really can make it happen. 

In the world of motherhood we can have our tricky days, I'm sure the other Mama's out there can relate. Before I started working I feel those days had started to get to me; that my patience was wearing thinner than I'd care to admit and that daily tasks had become more tiring (and sometimes tiresome) than before. Just a few weeks into working however, I was reminded in the glory of that slower pace, a simple life and the wonders of time; time to play, to craft, to read and to just simply be. Time I no longer really had. Jodi's series on practising simplicity started at a similar time to my job and I couldn't have asked for a column that spoke to me more. I took her words and tried to apply them where I could, amongst the crazy schedules and deadlines I was working to. Now I plan to re-read them all, to move into this new stage of motherhood refreshed and more knowing of how I want to spend my days, and I want to feel about them when I lie in bed at night; no regrets at reacting to situations in the way I did, no annoyance at not achieving this or that task. 

Finally, I missed you guys. I missed not writing here, and sharing the everyday magic that has been happening over the last few months. Thank goodness for The 52 Project; I wonder if I'd had been here at all if it weren't for those photographs. If you're still here and still reading, thank you. I feel happier than ever to continue this space, to watch it grow, and I have a few new features to come that I hope you'll love. 

How has your autumn/spring been? I hope it's been revitalising x

I love the pops of purple amongst the autumnal brown and yellow leaves in our garden. My favourite time of year for the truly wondrous colours.